Braveheart

Brave...

2012-01-30T21:32:00.000+11:00

Madeleine has been doing Martial Arts for a year now. Last Friday, Green belt was achieved. Very happy that as she grows I will confident that she will be able to protect herself. I obviously have a lot of fears around my children's safety. I am relieved that she is learning a skill that will help her throughout her life.

I hope she continues. I am proud and glad she is mine.

She starts a new year of High school tomorrow. I hope it is a good year for her. Full of lots of good memories. The teen years are new to me. Quite stressful at times but I know she is actually a very lovely girl. So lets see what this year holds for her.

Strange how it is....

2012-01-13T21:54:00.000+11:00

I think it is strange how grief catches me. A glimpse of Matilda that looks strangely familiar. Those last seconds before I drift of to sleep. A place that sucks me back. A moment where the space is so obvious. An ache deep in my core that never soothes. Strange that I have found a new norm where it all co-exists. Like this is how it was meant to be. Only it isn't. I sat a moment today and felt the full wrath of my anger that this isn't how it should be and that I still struggle to keep swimming. A moment when I felt that it shouldn't have been us.

The missing never cures itself. I see myself as an older lady sometimes still missing my daughter.
Another year has begun. I guess in the newness I am reminded I drift further away. I hate that and yet I know it is as it should be. Just wish it wasn't so.

2012-01-05T22:14:00.000+11:00

Madeleine has been responsible for some of our best photo's. I think she has a very good eye and is very skilled at being able to capture our little ones at just the right moment.

Well done Madeleine. Well done Oliver for staying still for two seconds, which I can say is a rare sight in itself.

2012-01-01T22:27:00.000+11:00

An afternoon in the backyard, summer sun and take-away. It was lovely and I didn't want it to pass without stopping and enjoying it. Mason is running somewhere in the yard just out of shot. Part of my commitment to blogging and taking a moment.

A year ahead...

2011-12-30T21:26:00.001+11:00

I am reflecting on the year that was and the year ahead. I don't make New Years Eve resolutions generally, but I do think about what is ahead and what I hope to achieve.

I really want to blog more. Over the months as we headed towards Christmas life got very hectic and blogging got left behind. I plan, hope to capture more of my families life this coming year. My record for them of a snap shot of their childhood.

I hope to get my house in to some resemblance of organised. I hope to get some renovation done. We have plans to add a deck. Now to save the money and then see it materialise. It will make a nice addition to our home.

I'm hoping for my children to stay healthy. I don't ever want to do a winter like last year. They were sick non stop for months. Taking it in turns. So much sleep deprivation. This year coming good health is a must.

More fun. I want more fun for my children. Life with three under three has been tough. Good days were treasured. Now that Mason is 4 and maturing I am hoping that we can find a little more time for laughing.

I am looking forward to the year ahead and that says a lot in itself. Happiness is something I now aspire to. I am going to work hard to simply be in the moment, enjoy a smile and let go of anything negative.

Matilda looking a lot like her angel sister.

My Boy turns 4...

2011-12-10T23:28:00.000+11:00

I have held my breath since Mason was born. Never dared to believe that one day this day would come. A 4 year old in our house. So desperate was I when Belle passed away to believe that it wasn't true. That she would come back. Turn 4 and we would live happily ever after.

But no. Reality is far from such Hollywood endings. I miss, yearn and ride the roller coaster of my grief.

But Today we did something we only dreamed of. We did 4. A birthday. Presents, cake, squeals of delight, joy. All that should have been were rolled into today.

I am amazed at how far Mason has come. From the first moments of his birth, first brief cuddles and then whisked away to the special care nursery. He has is spunky and fun and he has a wicked temper. He laughs, cries and lets me know how he feels about everything. He talks non-stop. He loves technology, he loves cuddles and he melts my heart.

I Love that he mine, that he chose me and that he is 4.

So much to tell...

2011-11-12T22:52:00.002+11:00

There is so much I would love to Blog about. Here is some of it...

Belle's trees are out. I'm loving them more than ever this year....I love that she has left me something so tangible to hang on to. I love that I can hear her voice. Floaty and squealy all at the same time. That trips this time of year brought her such delight.

News from our house...Tilda is walking!!! 14 months and she is a toddler. She is so cute on her feet. I'd post a photo but my camera is not behaving. Keeps telling me my card is corrupted. Very sad. Means I haven't figured out how to get the pictures off it!

Work is looking up next year. I am taking on a new adventure. Flying solo. I resigned from my government job. Split in a technical sense from my partnership and now will be completely on my own. Running my own office for just me. I'm excited. I'm scared but excited. It means I answer only to me for the first time in my career and my business will be whatever I make it. Very interesting year ahead methinks.

The boys are so cute. They run me absolutely round in circles. Some days I think I might just go mad and then the next day I marvel how things have become a new kind of lovely. They teach me so many new things each and every day. Oliver and Mason are now completely out of nappies. I cannot believe how easy Oliver was to do. He did it himself really. One week, it took. At 26 months he was even dry by night. Amazing boy. Mason, not wanting to be out done by his brother, quickly ditched the night nappies and I am very happy. On the other hand, I've never had to deal with potty poopy before because the others had all been older when they trained. Not my favourite motherly job I can tell you, but beats nappies.

Maddy is very busy. She has her end of year dance concert in a couple of weeks and she is busy with lots of practices. She has just finished exams and she is still loving school. Her social life seems to have a nice balance to it. I'm really very proud of her.

I'm still very tired. Sleeping through has still not occurred. But every night I hope it is the one.

So with Christmas fast approaching I think things may just get a little busier. But I like busy so that's Ok with me.

Hopefully we will talk again soon x

Holidays...

2011-10-02T10:23:00.000+11:00

School holidays are here and I love the break from routine. I love that Madeleine can sleep late. Enjoy the weather that is starting to warm up and hang out with friends. I am looking forward to Summer. I love that Tilda generally accepts that sand is to play with not to eat and that she is very very close to walking so by Christmas I can see her toddling all over our house.

I feel like after 13 months the beauty of my family of four children is being fully appreciated by myself. Some days are still harsh and overwhelming but the routine that has fallen upon us, the very routine I am glad to have a little break from creates a structure that seems to work well for us. I love that they are all becoming their own little people. Very different people I might add. A lot of personalities are co-existing in this small space. But the chaos is something we craved. I am now enjoying the chaos. It was a bit of a culture shock.

I am striving to meet everyone's needs and I hope I am getting somewhere close to achieving it.

Bowling on the agenda today for the bigger kids and Daddy. Shopping for me and the little ones. Win Win I say.

A sunny day a few weeks ago.

2011-09-13T21:11:00.000+10:00

Sometimes the best mind tricks in the world can't help me escape the true depth of sadness and pain I feel over losing you. There are days where the pain in my heart is suffocating. Where words can't begin to capture what needs to be said. That the tears won't even flow because I am terrified that in allowing them to come, only forces me to see the truth. That you aren't coming back. That there is no light at the end of this tunnel, that you're not just somewhere else. That today like tomorrow contains heartache and sadness. I want to reach in to this photo. Touch your milky white skin, sing hello in your ear and scoop you up and never let you go. Day after day I talk to people about loss. I work with people on moving through it, in their own way. I carry the truth silently, that for me I am drowning in my loss. That for me you are everywhere but nowhere and I can't get back to you. There is no peace, how could there be. You're not in my arms where you should be and I can't explain how horrific that is.

It's your birthday Today...

2011-09-06T02:09:00.000+10:00

A Year ago.......

My Big girl....

How do you be 1 already? How can your first year be over. I'm not ready for you to grow up and yet I am desperate for you to grow up. The constant tug on my heart of keeping you little, my baby and the knowledge of the natural order and letting be what needs to be. You growing. To become a little person. independent, feisty.

You are very close to walking. You babble a cute little talk. You love to eat and will try anything. You've worked out how to protect yourself already. You look so much like Belle and in a lot of ways act so different from her. You love to smooch and snuggle. You have a temper. You don't much care of animals of the stuffed type. Oliver's Robot spider scares you silly. You don't sleep much, hence this 2am post. You love company. You like to get into mischief and are happy to go off and find it. You have a signature hair clip, I love how cute you make them look. You want whatever your brothers have, even if you shouldn't have it. You are growing up and I do love that even if it indeed scares me.

I love you Miss Tilda and all that is you xxx

13...beautiful 13....

2011-08-28T22:07:00.000+10:00

She is Lovely

In every sense of the word...

She is a sister....

She has grown so quickly. I cannot believe that today marks Thirteen years. I'm not ready to be a mother of a teen.

It was only yesterday she was little like this....

I'm so very proud of her. She gets up every day, like we do. She carries her sadness, she hides her scars. She has loved and lost. She is the only other person on this earth that walked the most horrendous walk with me from start to finish. I owe her the world. She has always held my heart in hers and we have always had a closeness that I adore. I love who she is and all that she could be. I love the sister you are. Your smile. The way your quick to figure things out. I love that you love to sleep, that you are happy at school for the first time in your whole school life. I love that you do martial arts and will know how to kick butt. I love that even though your scared sometimes you still do things. I love that you are strong and have a soft spot for those you love. I really love you.

Happy Birthday My Earth Angel. I love you.

My Blessing...

2011-08-19T14:00:00.000+10:00

Really is hard for me to believe that Matilda is nearly a year old. We had her blessed at the Temple recently. Such a beautiful day. Filled with friends and family. It marked the completion of our family. We are all here now. It is time now to grow, to develop our own identity. To grow these souls. I feel blessed to have them all in my life. Sometimes the days are long and hard. Sometimes I get pushed beyond my limit but each day I try to reflect on how I might do things a little better. I want to be a good Mummy to these babies. I want to be a good mummy to my very soon to be teenage daughter. It was a day to celebrate all that is and all that might be. The Blessing is important to us. Helps us heal a little. To stop and take a moment and be thankful.

In two weeks this baby that I adore will be one. She sparkles. She smiles at everyone. Lulls you into a false sense of 'you can pick me up if you like'. If you do though she screams...She is spunky. She points. her newest trick. I say she is indicating that she is number one! She crawls. She pulls herself on the furniture as of this week and I think walking isn't too far off. She looks very much like Belle. She has a lot of her features. I feel mixed about that. But she has her own personality. Different to Belle. That is a good thing. She loves to feed from me. The longest breastfed baby we have had. She refuses so far to give it up. She isn't our best sleeper, probably not our worst. She loves TV. She is one of ours. She is alert and interested in the world. She can play on my phone. Freaky. Perhaps where the point came from.

I do love you Tilda. All the way round the world. A trillion times over.

bits and pieces...

2011-07-26T13:56:00.000+10:00

There are days where I find myself pulling these two apart by the shirt collars while one is trying to harm the other and other days where they play all day without quite so much angst. One thing is true about both these boy- they have a whole lot of spunk. They have endless energy, their minds are absorbing things faster than I can keep up with and they are forever getting into mischief. But I love having two boys in the house. It scares me, as much as it excites me. I love this photo. I love them.

A Ninth Birthday...

2011-07-07T09:13:00.001+10:00

To have a birthday when you're not really having one is a surreal thing. To wake to quiet. To have dread instead of excitement. To have memories of birth and death interwoven and flooding. I miss her in every way. I carry my pain in my heart and I carry my loss with me. These days are as hard as they have ever been. It is meant to be about celebrating a birth. About milestones, about reaching another year. That doesn't happen for us.

We will try to fill our day with memories that are lovely. We will try to hear our children laugh and feel uplifted by their happiness. We will remember the moment sweet Belle slipped into a quiet room on a winter's night. The wind had been blowing solid for a week. I mean gale force winds. But the night she came the air was still. She came out eyes open and she watched the world unfold around her. Safe in our arms, she just was here.

The next three years were a joy and she touched every person she met. I got a text this morning from a friend who always remembers how special Belle was/is and it always makes me smile when I think about how she called her princess, and I think she was one. An angel princess born from our love and cherished forever.

Belle loved birthdays and presents. She loved to open everyone else's presents. Here she is opening mine. You can see I didn't mind, not one little bit.

Happy Ninth Birthday Belle xxx

Just one more...

2011-07-04T14:43:00.000+10:00

If only I could have just one more....

Cherish, always remember to hug them a little tighter every day....

Love you Miss Belle and all that should be....

5 years too long...

2011-06-21T19:06:00.000+10:00

Happy Angel Day baby boy...nothing really happy about it for me except that you were gifted to me. I only wish it had been very different.

5 years today and yet it feels like yesterday. I carry your heart in mine. Angel Isaiah, my love, my forever baby, I love you.

Hoping Miss Isabelle is spoiling you today.

Winter snooze...

2011-06-01T23:04:00.000+10:00

I am wishing for a winter snooze. To hibernate like a bear. To go under the covers and wish the world away. Just for a little while.

I am home for 2 mins to cook dinner for tonight, when I will come in late from work. It is pouring down with rain and the thing I would most like to do would be to take a much needed nanna nap. But not for this mumma.

I must admit to trying to over-organise everything lately, only to be frustrated that the organisation falls apart. I think it is the one thing I am learning- that my best laid plans don't often seem to come to pass.

Example of such a plan: Sunday afternoon, take kids to park, cook nice, wintry Sunday dinner, finish school clothes in dryer, get the kids bathed and in bed on time.

Actual Sunday Afternoon: Mason arrives at my feet from quick play outside screaming. Me, soapy hands from the mountain of washing up I still can't see the end off, "what's the matter?" More screaming. Madeleine arrives 'he said he hurt his arm'. I look. Hmm looks OK. Screams, white face...shaking...maybe not OK. Ice pack. Half an hour passes. 'No park', I think. More sobbing. Take another look. He can't move it. Right. Pack baby bag - Emergency room it is.

Get to emergency room. Realise no dinner is ready for the two year old left at home with the Dadda. They will find something in the cupboard (I hope). See triage nurse. Gives him Panandol. Asks Mason to point to where it is sore. I feel like saying after her third attempt -You do know the boy is three? In agony and he probably can't even remember his own name right now. She says 'we will wait til doctor sees him and then we will know where to X Ray him'. I think again, 'hmm try just taking an X ray of his arm; it's barely two feet long!' But what would I know? Back to waiting room, which of course is full of all the people that missed the medical center plus plenty of germ-laden, very ill people. I know I am here for a while.

All plans now lost. Hours will be sent trying to keep him comfortable. Madeleine came to help and she did a great job trying to distract him.

Doctor sees him and, guess what... he says we need an x-ray. Only taken an hour and a half for this decision. 1 hour later, x-ray done. yes the nurse could have ordered one. Plans for my Sunday afternoon well and truly put to bed. Not really much of an issue for me with my poor son sitting on my lap feeling miserable.

Doctor comes out. Dislocated elbow. Ouch. Poor boy. Doctor tells me he has a nurse that is good at popping them back in. Great I think. This poor kid.

3.5 hours later, well past dinner. We emerge and head home for bed. Not how I had planned my Sunday but I have to say that I am glad his arm was not broken and I am glad he could be put back together.

Maybe next weekend I will try to just let be what is. No plans.

Days Fly By...

2011-05-27T22:12:00.000+10:00

The weeks just keep flying by.

This week saw-

Tilda get her first tooth. She starting sitting up and her first words are coming thick and fast.

Mason went to Cleft Clinic at the Children's hospital and I was very happy to learn that we probably won't have to have any operations in the next 12 months!! Yay.

Oliver will be 2 in a week and he is as feisty as ever. Still lacking in the language area and biting people is still one of his favourite defense moves. He and Mason are just starting to really play together. It usually ends poorly but I love the moments when they are side by side having a little fun. Mason has a few war wounds from Mr Oliver lashing out.

Madeleine has had school work, lots of school work. I think she is a bit over it. She has lots of high school activities going on and she is loving it. I love that she loves it and I don't have to convince her to drags herself to school. She jumps up to go and I love that.

Me, I'm tired form all the working, driving, parenting I am doing. I was thinking tonight after Mason's 6pm swimming lesson that if I could truly be happy, this would be it. I was thinking that I wish my life was such that I knew what it was like to be 'truly' happy. I miss those days.

But we keep chugging along and thats nice.

After being a Cleft Clinic-reminds me of how far we have come.

Madness...

2011-05-03T22:35:00.000+10:00

This morning my three little ones had me feeling a lot like I needed to crawl into a corner and give myself a time out. There are days where all goes well and I could win an award for 'mother of the year', then there are days like today; no amount of channeling Martha Stewart could make it all seem OK.

How do those super mums do it? Clean house - what's that about? You mean mops are for doing floors with and not weapons for the three year old to wield at his brother?? I had two screaming, one spewing and screaming, and whilst screaming and protesting about getting ready for school one such cherub was undressing himself faster than I could get the clothes on. Shoes were missiles and snot bubbles were free for added effect. Can I step over the spew on the floor, while I chase the screaming cherub through the house? Can I pry the still screaming one off me long enough to get a leg into my pants?? Can I leave that washing up?? Of course I can, not like anyone needs to eat off a plate tonight. Did I mention the spew, because I am now wearing some on the new shirt I just put on. Panadol, some for my thumping head, some for the baby's 39 degree temp - no wonder she's crying. No such excuse for the shoeless two year old, still screaming at my pant leg. Snot bubble gone, pants can multi task; it's a hanky for him. Nice. Where is the three year old? Still eating the breakfast he was served an hour ago, playing games on the laptop. Quiet yes, but not when I attempt to dress him for school. Trifecta: three in tears. Me MAD.

Hippity Hoppity...

2011-04-24T09:10:00.000+10:00

Happy Easter everyone...

Mason ate his own body weight in chocolate this morning and Oliver nibbled a bite out of every egg he found. Just one bite, sampling his way through the stash left all over the backyard by the Bunny. Maddy for the first time was last out of bed and wandered through the hunt half asleep. More evidence the girl is growing up insert sigh. Tilda got a little sample, against all sensible dietary advice for nearly 8 month olds. But she made the appropriate noises and got very upset when Oliver tried to offer some assistance.

Happy Easter Miss Belle, I hope the bunny hopped all over and left you eggs baby.

5 years......

2011-04-13T06:00:00.001+10:00

I never thought I could do one second away from you. How can I possibly sit here now and say I have done five years? How can five years pass us by?

I don't know why this happened to us, why we have to do a life without your beauty in it.

I miss:

Yellow...

Impromtu Dancing...

Ice cream for every meal...

'Neat' toast...

Care Bears...

My little ponies...

The Horses...

Puzzles...

Computer time...

Cuddles in the night...

Playing with Maddy...

Holidays...

Playgrounds...

Hanging out with mummy.

You hated lizards...

Scary noises...

Fizzy drinks...

Rubber gloves...

Being alone.

Your 'don't like' list is so short because you loved life. You loved so much really, more than I can list here.

You were loved by so many people and even though you left us five years ago, the love for you has grown, spread all over the world. Your little spirit lives, and it's bigger than we could have ever imagined.

Days ahead, can't really think about them. Lost today in my loss and the sadness I feel for the missing.

How to do today? Well we will bring as much light as we can find and drench ourselves in it so that you know we haven't wasted the gifts you've given us.

Thank you Belle.
xxxxxxx

Ollie..Ollie...Ollie...

2011-04-08T08:09:00.002+10:00

Maddy has decided that she may like to take up photography. I can see she has an eye for it. She managed to get the Oliver who runs on fast forward to sit still for this photo. That is impressive in itself. What a beautiful boy he is. I do love him. On days like this, or months I should say, it is hard to see the beauty all around me. But he is a glimpse.

On the cusp...

2011-03-29T21:09:00.000+11:00

Of Another April and all that means.

Brave Days...

2011-03-07T22:28:00.002+11:00

There are days where I sit, ponder, wondering how we got to where we are today. I was playing with Tilda today, taking photos of her and I was amazed that she is here. So bright, so happy and so full of life.

I have slowly been opening my heart to her. It is brave, I think, to allow this to happen. Many may think that a strange thing, but loving her scares me. I am terrified that life is not controllable, that I am just a pawn in a bigger system. My sense of safety was shattered the day Belle left, and I am left trying to scrape together a life that is full or rich happy moments, co existing with my sad ones. I want to give all of myself to Tilda; it is what she deserves.

I love loving her. A true gift. I am learning again, to be the Mummy of a little girl.

Please Vote...

2011-03-05T22:25:00.000+11:00

Hello blog land

I've entered our babies in the Bonds Baby comp. Can my lovely Australian readers go here to vote for them. Please ask your friends to vote as well. We thank you.

http://babysearch.bonds.com.au/entry/49669/oliver-b

and

http://babysearch.bonds.com.au/entry/49372/matilda-b

With lots of thanks

Catch me...

2011-02-08T21:43:00.000+11:00

Tilda...

2011-01-27T23:11:00.000+11:00

She is lovely....

She makes my heart sing happy songs....

She looks sad here but the sun is shining in her eyes...she is a lovely model...

Noel says "I have seen you before".....

A face very much like her sisters.....

A heart we are still getting to know...

Sweet...lovely....Tilda....

Lolly pop kids...

2011-01-05T21:09:00.000+11:00

Santa brought these little 'loves on a stick'...the boys had a good go before the grass and dirt made them not so lovely...

They are very cute boys but they run us ragged. Holidays take on a new feel with three so young. Noel has another week left of leave and I am loving having him home. We are trying to get some fun in and spend some time at home. Taking them out is tricky, so we are trying to choose activities that are safe and suit everyone.

I loving summer days.

Merry Merry Christmas..

2010-12-26T21:37:00.002+11:00

I know you can only see half her face but I think this photo taken by Maddy speaks for itself.

Merry Merry Christmas everybody xxx

How to do three...

2010-12-10T21:51:00.002+11:00

Today a sweet boy turns three. Today I celebrate all he is. Today I am terrified. I am holding my breath. I remember 3. It is etched into my soul. To be honest I have felt I have been living three for the last five years. Perpetually living Belle's third year. Stuck. Mason's third birthday brings with it the sheer terror of trying to reach 4 and knowing I can only watch. Helpless really, in stopping anything that is unstoppable.

Three. Such an innocent sounding number. We celebrated today. For Mason reaching three is a milestone. When he was born with his medical needs such a priority and his discomforts heartbreaking, he found a way to move us along in our grief, by demanding the love he needed.

I have watched this little boy blossom. The nasty surgeries now fading, he is beginning to trust. He is growing physically and emotionally. I adore him.

We spent the day doing Mason things. I loved it.

As I embark on three, I wonder how can one do a year that one can barely open her eyes to watch.

Breathe.

Glorious food.....

2010-12-02T22:58:00.000+11:00

Week three of the Christmas blog hop has arrived and yes, slack me missed week two. I'm back into it this week and today my cherubs decorated - well... themselves, the floor, the table and a little of what they were meant to be decorating - Xmas Gingerbread men. Much consumed icing later, the cherubs nibbled the corner of the gingerbread men and politely handed them back. The fun I know was in the doing, the anticipation (I made Mason wait 'til after his sleep, turned out a good bribe for the 'I don't need a sleep' child).

I was thinking of making some 'home made food Christmas gifts', but I failed at an attempt of White Christmas earlier in the week and the vacuum consumed more ginger bread sprinkles then any of us, so maybe a trip to a specialty store, with its tins filled with Christmas cheer and colourful cellophane might be in order.

Christmas Spirit...

2010-11-15T14:14:00.001+11:00

I have decided to participate in a Christmas Blog Hop Challenge. Each week I will be doing a post that is related to Christmas, in a sort of countdown to the special day.

This year we are noticing that Mason is much more aware. He is pointing out trees in the shops and the catalogues are loaded with Christmas goodies. He has that lovely innocence about Christmas that makes my heart lighter. I remember when Isabelle was 3 and she was just so excited. Her excitement actually lasted long after Christmas had come and gone. We were still listening to the Christmas music CD every night right into April of the next year.

I always approach Christmas with mixed feelings, but I can't help but enjoy the 'joy' that Mason has. I remember that joy and it takes me back to a much missed time.

We will be celebrating another first Christmas with Matilda this year, and I am a little amazed that we just did a first Christmas with Oliver last year. All seems a little unreal.

In all the chaos that is my house right now I thought 'why not start on some home-made cards for the Grandparents?' I think home-made is so much nicer. I think I will set Noel to work on some e-cards for our relatives far away, but the boys enjoyed making these little beauties...

If you enlarge this picture you can see that Oliver enjoyed eating the glitter a little too much!!

I will be sweeping up glitter for a month...note to self: limit the 17month old's access to the glitter pot...

We used old Christmas paper with pretty Santa pictures on it for the cards...

Half way there...they are drying from the little heavy handedness of the glue...Next step, a bit more colour....

So bring on next week and our next challenge...

A Happy Day...

2010-11-10T09:27:00.005+11:00

There are people in the world that you know are 'special'. My Dad is one of those people. He does everything he can to make my life better. He puts himself out, to give me more. He loves me unconditionally, (although he knows me well enough to know I need a nudge sometimes). I watch him helping others and he has a work ethic you rarely see any more. I am lucky to be his daughter and lucky enough to exist in a world where I know someone is watching over me. I am influenced by him and care deeply that all is well in his world.

Happy Birthday Pappa, I love you to the ends of the earth xxx

A spoon full of sugar or a bucket full....

2010-11-07T22:39:00.002+11:00

There are days where all my knowledge or good parenting gets a little lost. Days where you learn that one of your babies is going to have to endure some hard days ahead. Days where a little bit of happiness is worth the tugs of knowing that a child really shouldn't consume quite so much unhealthy sugary goodness.

Mason is likely to have a another surgery soon. He failed his last hearing test (so new grommets are needed) and his tonsils are very large. His pediatrician called them 'soccer balls'. They don't like to take tonsils in cleft children because of the way his plastic surgeons have used the structures to sew the palate together. I am worried about how Mason will cope with another surgery. The last one was traumatic for all of us and he doesn't cope well with them emotionally.

He used to wake screaming, blood curdling screams in the middle of the night and nothing would soothe him. We knew it was probably from his surgeries. I don't care to willingly go back to those days. I don't want to see him in pain again.

So what is a mother to do? Mary Poppins seemed to have it right. Sugar is the best medicine. Well it was for the 20mins after the pediatrician appointment anyway.

I let him choose whatever he liked, not something he is used to being able to do.

Energy...

2010-11-01T21:37:00.002+11:00

Amongst the chaos, the sleep deprivation, the piles of washing, the bits of bicky on the rug and the constant raids on my fridge when I am feeding Matilda, there have been moments this week that have filled up my happy cup. I love the chaos. I craved chaos in those dark days after Belle left us. But I still have my human motherly limits. Finding the boys upon my kitchen benchtop, throwing things off and laughing, tested those limits. Finding my neatly folded washing spread from one end of the house to the other also tested those limits.

But....

I believe that babies know when a parent needs a little boost. They seem to reach milestones just when your reserves are starting to wane. Smiling. Such a beautiful thing. Fills you with energy that you can't imagine possessing. Makes the 3am wake up a little less horrific. When Matilda started smiling this week I felt the love.

Love you cutie patootie

Talk to me...

2010-10-23T21:24:00.003+11:00

It is that time of year again.

Last year my dear friend Sheye sent me this beautiful image. I adore it. It is of one of Isabelle's two favourite trees. Across the road from us is a Jacaranda; I have been watching, and I know any day now it will spring back to life from its winter nap.

I have had a heavy heart this week. Maybe Belle is with me this week. Reminding me to notice. Notice the simple beauty. Notice the fact that these memories stay with me. That these memories keep us connected.

I hear her. 'My favourite tree, my favourite tree', "What's it called Belle?' 'A Jacaranda', 'You're so clever'. Until the next one, and so it was repeated, for as long as those purple leaves stayed up on those branches. The only thing that brought equal delight was the Illawarra Flame Tree. Local to our area, it blooms at the same time and she would get very excited at the sight of this red beauty. I found this picture below of her two loves.

She talks to me when I see these trees. My memories: agonising, beauty full, and the kind of thing that brings me to the brink. A message from a friend this week, brings me back. Thank you.

Spring days....

2010-10-18T21:22:00.005+11:00

Madeleine has been borrowing the camera and taking lovely photos of her siblings. I love looking at the pictures she has taken. Looking at the world through her eyes.

The boys have been playing outside a lot (mostly sent/taken out for my own sanity). The spring weather has been up and down and Mason often wakes and checks out the weather; rainy days are our 'bit sad' days as he calls them and sunny 'yay we can go outside' days.

We ate dinner on the grass tonight, enjoying the cool air and watching the boys be boys. A grateful day. Maddy, camera round neck, very grown up, snapping picks of Mr Magoo. Who I might add is looking a little too grown up as well, heading now towards his 3rd birthday in December. That, my friends, means more to me than I will say in this entry. But it looms on the horizon, a bit like storm clouds, but with bright sunshine with it.

A little bit of lovely...

2010-10-04T22:21:00.002+11:00

How does four weeks pass me by. I feel like life just keeps pushing on. I have reached an age where it truly seems life and time do speed up and no amount of wishing will slow it down. I started this blog quite a while ago now and wanted to capture moments of time in my family and my journey through grief. Today and many days since Matilda arrived I have pondered my loss. The girl missing between siblings. The girl that looked so much like Matilda as a baby. The girl that never got to experience a younger sibling. I pondered that had she not left us these children would not be here. My wish to undo can no longer exist. I can't go back, but would I? How could I wish these souls away. I never could. Time, pushing me further away from her. Time providing me with new hope. Time it means more then it should. Missing.

Today I am happy that we have reached four weeks. That she is healthy and that she fills our hearts with a whole heap of lovely.

Half done

2010-09-26T23:26:00.003+10:00

In the last three weeks I have become the queen of half done. I have had to reconcile that half done is better then not done at all. I would not win any awards for super mum of late. Plenty of days have melted into tantrums, stinky bottoms, sticky fingers, snotty lines on my black pants, time spent in the time out spot, screaming, biting and an avoidance of any environment that is not contained.

It has been a steep learning curve and I am still learning. The mum of four earth angels, it scares me to have such responsibility. I have done a lot of self talk about how half doing things is OK. That I have been in the darkest of places and know what is really important.

I find the days are slipping by very quickly. I stare into Matilda's face willing my mind to remember forever these days but I know that I will struggle to remember.

Tomorrow a girls shopping trip. Madeleine, Matilda and myself off to do what girls love to do.

Introducing Matilda Louise...my sweet daughter

2010-09-13T22:03:00.003+10:00

Matilda, named by her sister who left us 4 years ago. Named from one of Isabelle's favourite movies. Boy or girl Isabelle insisted her next sibling would be Matilda. She was convincing. We said all those years ago that one day Matilda would join our family. A very large part of my heart terrified that Matilda would never arrive. That I could never have such a sweet gift, that I had to accept that our family may never have an actual Matilda in it. But today with her sleeping peacefully in her bassinet I am smitten by the Matilda that has indeed arrived.

I will write soon about her birth and the days that followed but today I just wanted to take a moment to post some pictures and to tell you that I recognise that I have been handed a gift. A gift to be cherished.

Welcome sweet Matilda, a blessing for all of us.

Mummy off to meet Matilda.

Hello sweet baby...

A day that looked like all the others but for us this is the day we have longed for, a day that we never truly allowed ourselves to dream....

8 sleeps...

2010-08-29T21:12:00.003+10:00

I have lots and lots of blogs waiting to be written. One about Maddy's 12th birthday. One about the Crazy boys and all the antics they have been getting up to. One about how terrified I am about childbirth and one about this.

8 sleeps. Ready or not she will be here. The family forever changed. Me changed. A girl lost, a girl found. A girl. Means a lot. My boys are my treasures. Nuggets of gold that I never even knew I wanted. I never not appreciate their existence. I never take for granted the road they traveled to be with us.

A girl terrifies me. It makes my core feel even more rickety. It means the universe will again stop and spin in the other direction for us.

A girl. 8 sleeps and we will be different.

Pretty in Pink...

2010-08-08T20:42:00.005+10:00

Today, when I took the family to Mathilda's Market, I couldn't resist this beautiful Butterfly Mobile.

Butterflies mean a lot to our family, and when I found such a pretty mobile for our new baby, it was something I just had to get.

As my nerves have been increasing, it was nice today to think about the little one who is coming very soon. You can see the pink Maddy chose as her room colour in the background .

One of the shelves we bought from IKEA. It mostly has Maddy and Belle's things on it right now, but I plan to add some of the Bubba's things soon. The doll is the Bubba's.

Here is a closer picture of the pretty doll.

I wanted some stacking suitcases and found these on EBay. Happy with the colours. The room is really looking girlie now.
With four weeks to go I am starting to let go of some of the tension and enjoy the idea that soon our family will grow by another soul, and that she will be as special as all the beautiful souls who have come before her. Tension goes up, tension goes down; a bit of a roller coaster.

Dinner Dudes....

2010-07-27T21:48:00.004+10:00

What is it about dinner and babies and the inability of the two to mix. It is like oil and water. No matter what I cook it generally ends up on the floor, painted on high chairs, and clothes even become caked in it.

Mason's favourite saying lately is 'I don't like it'. I try my Jedi powers 'yes you do, try it'. He does and politely spits it out. 'No, I don't like it,' he tells me again.

Oliver doesn't even bother; he just spits it, tosses it and even throws the whole plate over the side of the high chair.

I wonder why us parents persist with the well balanced dinner meal? Oliver would be happy with a plate of strawberries, Mason a piece of toast. But no, I go through the ritual of preparing all the key ingredients to a healthy balanced meal. Just to watch it get spread further than one could think possible.

I will keep at it. Toddlerhood is all about experimenting; I just need to keep these dinner dudes out of each other's firing lines. I can see the inevitable food fight that may arise if the high chairs are placed too close!

Pains for the cause...

2010-07-18T21:06:00.002+10:00

With each pregnancy since Belle when I get to the 30ish week I start with nightly 'Labour' type pains. I know they serve a purpose in getting me ready for the real thing but it makes for an uncomfortable last stretch. They go most of the night and when I fall asleep I wonder if they will stop and they do.

It makes me think though, if I ever went into early labour I'd probably end up making a wild dash at the last minute because I try to pay such little attention to these pains.

It tells me I am getting close. I might have to start making all the plans I have so far avoided. The pain is for something and that something will be arriving whether I am psychologically ready or not.

I would like to order her to stay in there for quite a while yet, but something tells me she is her own boss. She kicks me all night long, sleeps all day and I see many a sleepless night in my future. I am happy with that though, because I have been waiting for this soul for many years now.

So the pains I know are for a good cause, lets hope that indeed they are just practise and she has no plans for an early arrival....

Dream a sweet dream...

2010-07-11T09:09:00.003+10:00

I continue to window shop. I put things in the shopping cart and there they sit. I ooh, I aah, I think yes that is delightful. But still I can't buy anything. This was last night's imaginary shopping trip. I just could not complete the actual transaction. It is psychological; a part of me deep down won't -can't - accept that a girl is on her way.

I wanted to write about this because I think it is another part of my grief that I never expected to experience. It is a journey. Things can bring you unstuck so unexpectedly. I Dreamed of this. A sweet dream of doing all things girlie. Ponies, Pink, tea parties, pretty things, excitement, princesses, friends, and then all the things all mothers want for their daughters as they grow up.

But does this heal me, make everything magically better? No. It isn't her job to do that. Will I ever complete these transactions? Perhaps. Perhaps not.

I can still dream.

Images from the imaginary trip: www.allaboutbaby.com.au

Angel birthdays...

2010-07-06T21:06:00.004+10:00

I have done this day 4 times over. I have done it different ways. Ultimately though, the most significant thing for me is the acute awareness on this day of all that should be, but isn't.

Isabelle would have been 8 years old tomorrow. July 7th 2002, born into a quiet room, we were aware even then of how at peace she was, with being born. The nurse took her after she was dressed to show her off. I remember thinking 'how many babies are born here, and isn't she just like all the others?' But 'no' she wasn't. An Angel was born that night and she had her purpose.

I will wake tomorrow and yearn, ache and crave to do a birthday that I am unable to do. No presents, no excited squeals, no over excited moments. It will be a day where we remember an angel; her birth, her gifts, her presence in our lives.

This birthday has been hard on me. I am more aware of the fact that Isabelle will never age. My brain can only cope with certain levels of acknowledgement when it comes to accepting losing Belle. I live in denial so often, but every now and again I accept just a little more of the truth. This birthday I am struck even more so by the fact that the years keep moving and she stands still, 3 years 9 months. She will be 8 in spirit tomorrow.

My reality is that I will do this day, year after year, and she will forever be 3.

Cruel.

I cherish that Noel and I created such an angel. That she was us. A piece of me and a piece of him and that she chose us to be her Mummy and Daddy. Tomorrow, Angel girl, we will celebrate you.

Friday Crafty...

2010-07-04T21:44:00.005+10:00

Lately Mason has been big on craft. Friday has become the day I unleash the craft supplies on his creative juices. He has an absolute ball and generally isn't too messy. I don't mind a bit of a mess, but I don't get excited when the mess radius spreads too wide.

We painted; not too much damage, but this week I let Oliver in on the action. 1 year olds and paint, not so good. He didn't know whether to flick it, eat it or snort it. Lets just say his creative juices were cut short when I noticed it on the far wall and his mouth and nose were looking like they had some multicoloured skin rash.

Mason's favourite word right now is 'disgusting'. He flung that word at Oliver as I contemplated how to get him out of the paint shirt, the shirt, and the pants that now had paint on them.

Mason continued to craft away for another hour. Glitter came after the paint and Mason found this new medium just the ticket for a very fun crafty Friday...

Oliver's efforts:

Mason's:

The picture tells you exactly what Mason and I thought of Oliver's mess:

Run, girl run...

2010-06-25T20:49:00.003+10:00

I have now finally got the camera and the blog liking each other. I have so many posts I have wanted to do. This is one of them. Maddy made it this year to the district cross country. She doesn't even normally run in the school cross country but this year, her last year at primary school she did run. I was very proud of her and when she informed me she had made it to the next stage, I was very happily surprised.

It was a hot day for May and she had to run about 3km, I couldn't have done it. When she ran past I screamed her name, as you do.

She was so hot and so tired when she got back all she could do was pour water over her head and ask me for money for the ice van. I happily obliged.

I am proud miss Maddy, that you simply ran.

Sweet Prince....

2010-06-21T20:23:00.006+10:00

Four years today a sweet prince came into the world, born sleeping. Beautiful. Our first boy. A boy we would forever be grateful to for helping each of us take those first painful breaths after we lost Isabelle, knowing that he was growing and we had the hope of new life, gave us all a glimmer of why we had to keep going.

Could he stay, fulfill all our desire and wishes? No. Is he a special member of our family? A child we mourn and feel his loss? Yes. Do we dream of what he should be today, so so much. A little prince lost swept up in our whirlpool of grief. Lost is the potential.

I mourn him, I ache for him and wish it could have been so different. I know Belle has his heart as I do. I know that he would have been a lovely 4 year old.

A day for you baby.

Moving day...

2010-06-12T22:34:00.002+10:00

We have finally moved the boys into Madeleine's old room. It is a massive undertaking because for once I have decided not to move all the 'stuff' and actually sort, clean and throw away. I can hear my Dad's cheer from far North Queensland. Bag after bag I took out. My motto was 'nope you don't need that'.

The boys old room and the play room are next on my hit list. I want to get some sense of order. I am also going to go to IKEA tomorrow and get Maddy a new bed. Lots of changes. I am excited that the baby will have a space soon, a cupboard and Madeleine will have a fresh room to share. It seems so long ago that she shared a room with her sister.

The chaos that has been created is a little overwhelming but hopefully day by day now, order will start to be restored. I am hoping by the end of this Long weekend Madeleine will also be in her own room. Currently sleeping in our dining room, not exactly the most ideal spot. She quickly set herself up though. She chose her own paint color today, so tomorrow afternoon Noel will be applying it like a mad man. Once the fumes settle then in she goes.

Pics to come, just need to sort out how to get them off cameras and on to this new laptop.

Milestones

2010-06-02T22:24:00.003+10:00

Tomorrow Oliver turns 1.

I am amazed that a year has gone by as fast as it has.

That this 'beauty full' child can now walk.

He oozes lovely, just like his brother and sisters.

He bites!

He has the most wonderful smile.

He sings. The words are still coming, but he makes up his own songs.

He can Drum a rhythm

He is a climber.

He eats everything and I mean everything. I am often seen prying his mouth open to fish out items that no one should eat. It scares me.

He wakes too early.

He will clap and cheer himself on.

With only a week of full walking under his belt I have witnessed his attempt to run after Mason.

I know he is destined for greatness and he will do it running with a smile on his face.

I Love you Monkey!!!

Blogger slackness...

2010-05-21T21:01:00.002+10:00

I have been very slack with my blog lately. My laptop has gone to laptop heaven and I am struggling with my lovely husband's. I want to post photos but can't til I find my way round it.

I would post photos of Oliver walking; he is taking lots of steps now but then decides that crawling is faster and gives up. He loves to push things around and walk behind them.

He is being very cute and lovely and I cannot believe he will be one in a couple of weeks.

Mason is virtually toilet-training himself (you probably don't want pics of that). I had planned to wait til summer but he has decided that he wants to do it now. He is able to go on command. I just need to teach him to tell me when he needs to go.

The boys have tonight started sharing a room. I am so nervous because Oliver is the lightest sleeper I have ever met. It took several attempts to get Mason to stay in his new 'big boy bed', and several attempts to get him to 'talk softly', and several attempts to convince him that the cot was no longer an option, especially because his brother had already moved into it!!

We will see how it goes.

Dear Madeleine is freaking me out with the speed at which she is growing up. Tonight I dropped her to a party, and gone was the baby girl I remember. Hair straightened, more make up on than her Mumma ever wears and some funky clothes meant she looked all her nearly 12 years and some. I am now waiting up for her; how many nights do I have ahead where I am sitting here hoping she is having a lovely time?

The room move is underway with lots of mess and destruction being created. I am glad we have started now and not further into my pregnancy.

I have just started to feel this little one move. My favorite bit of being pregnant. I love having that connection. I am amazed at how quickly it is all passing me by.

I am having fun window shopping on the net. I am still resisting the urge to buy anything, because I still don't yet have a place to put anything, but soon!!

Time...

2010-05-12T21:57:00.002+10:00

I feel like I am in time vortex; the days are blurring and just seem to skip by before I have achieved any of the goals I have set. Mason seems to know the days better than I at the moment.

I seem to do my Mummy things, my work things, my sleep thing (not enough of that), my poor excuse for house work thing and then get up and do it all again. The days slipp by on me and then I notice weeks have disappeared.

Can I get out of this vortex? I dream of days that seem to last forever, where goals are met and my inner Martha Stewart gets unleashed. Where attention for my children doesn't have to be squeezed in between loads of washing and folding. My children have taken to making the clean washing piles their own Mt Everest, sliding, rolling and throwing it round, much to my huffing and puffing. Piles of folded washing are fair game if they aren't put away; the boys can destroy a good half hour of work in seconds.

So, my new plan, is to have no plan.

Shy Baby....

2010-04-27T22:23:00.001+10:00

This little new soul is already shy. Hiding from the world and telling us that she (YES SHE) is a little camera shy.

We decided that this time we wouldn't keep the sex secret. Maddy found the pressure tough going with Oliver. So now with our 19 week scan behind us and the all clear from the doctors looks like this little lady will be here with us in about 20 weeks.

I will blog about this again no doubt but the shock still hasn't really settled that this baby within me is 'a little girl'. There are a few people in the world that I know will truly understand the magnitude of this for us. I am lost really with the possibilities of the future. I never thought we would have another girl and I truly believed it just wasn't meant to be. I am very in love with my beautiful boys, another would have been just as lovely. A Girl means so much to us as a family and Maddy I think is equally as excited as me and Noel. She keeps telling me she is going to have a 'sister' I hear all that word means to her.

I have so far resisted the urge to go on a pink shopping spree, mainly because the 'Big Move of rooms' hasn't quite happened yet. But soon she will have a space made just for her and I will fill it with all things 'pretty'. Maddy will have a little girl to share a room with, something snatched from her 4 long years ago.

We are hopeful.

Making room....

2010-04-17T20:35:00.002+10:00

We are 18 weeks pregnant now and I have just started to breathe again after lots of very hard days. Noel and I spoke the other day of our love-hate relationship with April and all it signifies to us.

I am starting to feel the tug of my nesting instinct. One problem with that is a need to reshuffle all our bedrooms again. The boys will be moving in together and Maddy and the baby are going to share. So, lots of new furniture and space saving ideas are needed. I feel IKEA may become like a second home over the next few months.

I am a bit worried about how much work is involved but am looking forward to when everyone is settled and all the rooms are sorted.

Maddy has put in an order for a loft bed. I've been searching the net tonight for a good girlie type one but no luck yet. I found Mason a cute toddler bed, but that didn't seem to make Maddy happy. I promised her a bed before she moves rooms.

So stay tuned to hear how we manage this feat.....

4 Years

2010-04-12T22:09:00.004+10:00

I don't know how to do tomorrow. I don't know how to do 4 years. I want to go back. I want to say that anniversaries get easier. I have to say they don't, each one has a darkness I can't escape. Gone longer now then her days here with us. Gone before I was ever ready to give her up. 'Lost' are we on days like this, anchored only by our attempt to remember that, whilst it is a sad sad day, we celebrate that she was ever here and that we were lucky enough to be able to say 'she was our daughter'. A product of our love and she was part of us. Gifts, there are so many but on days such as tomorrow it isn't always easy to see them.

I got an email today from a beautiful soul; she always manages to send me a firefly in my darkest moments and I was struck that even though I've never actually met her, she is fully aware of the date that Belle left and all that it means. It reminded me yet again how special Belle was and how she looks after me.

Annie for Belle's Anniversary; a very clear reminder that our baby belted this tune out for us in the wee hours of the morning at 2 years old, she was amazing, is amazing and I love that she has filled me with her love.

A day not like all the others...

2010-04-02T09:19:00.006+11:00

The Thursday before good Friday is one of the hardest days of the year. Isabelle's actual anniversary this year is in another 10 days, so it does make 'April' as a whole just a very hard time.

I find the memories that flood me on 'the Thursday' so very hard to deal with. I find Easter almost suffocating and I find I am drawn to the missing to such a degree that the tears just keep coming.

We took the Kids to the Easter Show because ever since we lost Belle, that is what we have done and the thing that makes this day even close to bearable is their enjoyment of the day.

Maddy saw a Grumpy Care Bear at some point in the day and she said 'I want to buy that for Belle'. It struck me that despite our 'pretending' most of the time that we are OK. WE ALL feel it. She misses her, she notices. She is the one I feel saddest for. She had someone that she loved, that she protected, that she shared everything with. Someone that walked in this world with her. Someone that cared for her and wanted to be with her. Someone to share the happy moments, someone to share the sad moments. Someone to wake up with, someone to gang up on us with.

She lost half of herself that day and she lost the innocence of Childhood. She doesn't see the world as a lovely safe place, she sees it as potential loss, potential heartache and worst of all she knows even the young die, that none of us are here forever and she has seen death. Held the hand of a child whose life has been lost. Brave beyond her years but lost herself, in so many ways. She is so easily forgotten, but I never forget that she has lost so much. I hold your heart Madeleine and I never forget that you hurt.

We will hunt for eggs tomorrow, the fifth time without my baby girl; gets easier? NO, just more familiar, the difference I guess is that we have babies now. They give us back glimpses of the innocence. Lives not yet touched by the sadness we feel. I hear now snatches of the Belle I remember, in Mason. His excitement is growing about this Easter Bunny character and I so clearly remember Belle's excitement. I live with the Sadness and the Happiness, flip flopping between the two.

I will remember my girl tomorrow with as much happiness as I can muster, but as her Mummy I will also feel the pain of my love for her and all that I should be able to do for her this Easter.....

April

2010-03-26T15:37:00.002+11:00

April is looming. I feel it even when my mind is on other things. Buying eggs for Easter, always one of the hardest activities.

This photo and all the photos taken on this last weekend with Belle have so much emotion wrapped up in them. I let the girls have this massive slab of chocolate cake because that's the kind of thing I thought was essential in life- fun memorable beauty full moments.

Anniversaries always draw you closer to the missing, the daily tactics we use to look so normal and brave don't work as well. I walk around with a tightness in my throat, tears just behind my eyes and a heavy heavy heart.

Boys in the house...

2010-03-17T21:04:00.004+11:00

I have spoken before about our adjustment to having boys in the house. We were such a female dominated house not that long ago and now we have come full circle to a 'boys domain'. The boys love getting outside and running wild. Mason would move out to the sandpit if I let him.

They really are a different species and a wise woman told me I would fall for my boys, this was before I knew what it was like to be a mummy to boys and I have to say she was right. I still have no clue really how to parent boys, but I am enjoying the journey.

Mason is doing it tough at the moment with another bout of Tonsillitis, so not much sandpit for him. I am looking forward to seeing him happy and back outside running mad. I saw what I think was Mason's attempt at a little wrestle with Oliver today. Oliver didn't appreciate the attention and I pried them apart with Mason thinking it was all pretty Funny!

I need a whole lot more hours in the day and a whole lot more energy to keep up with these boys but I ma happy to chase them.

Being Brave...

2010-03-10T22:47:00.003+11:00

There are days like yesterday where I have to actively tell myself to be brave. We have faced such sad days and we know they just arrive like a freight train. We braced ourselves just in case but we could find nothing to be sad about. Only the joy of the life growing within me. We got to see this very active baby- flip, roll, kick and wave. We were very excited and as we always say at these scans, at least today there is nothing to be sad about. We know that can change. But how cute is it??? So So cute. I have more pics, will post them soon. Look after your Bubba Belle and whisper sweet things to it, just like you have done with your other bubba's.

A very very special day....

2010-03-01T21:11:00.004+11:00

Nearly 4 years ago our Isabelle slipped away from us. A moment in time that changed the course of our lives and took her's forever. A day that made our earth stand still and then spin in the opposite direction. Forever looking the same but never feeling the same again.

A letter was written 6 months after losing Isabelle, a letter that set us on course to this very day. We asked why? We asked them to tell us how she could have died when they (I won't name them) knew that boosters and adult belts could kill. We asked more questions - 'Why would our local traffic authority recommend boosters and adult belts for very young children?'

A YouTube video followed. A memory site and more letters.

All the while we were grieving. We had lost the light in our days. The house was too quiet. I was missing her smell, her touch, her voice, her soul. I was lost in my missing.

The newspaper in our local area did a story and they undoubtedly set us on this path. A path that we could not leave. A path that would mean Isabelle's death was not in vain. It did dawn on us that whilst this journey would be a gift to all children, our Belle would not magically be returned to us after it was complete.

A lot of meetings, phone calls, emails, tears, television appearances and newspaper stories followed. Moments to speak of Belle, all that she was and all she gifted us.

Tears have flowed, talks in the dark and that missing. Moments of being misunderstood, moments of being lost, moments of wanting to scream. Sadness that the world keeps moving on, feelings of being left behind and no longer feeling that others can bare my sadness.

Learning to breathe again, learning to see the beauty, learning to let the anger go. I can't let her go, I am not there yet.

I sometimes have no words. No words to let people see the full loss. My baby died.

Today, Isabelle's law - the Road Amendment (Isabelle Broadhead Child Restraint Measures) 2010 - has come into force in NSW. Today is the day we have worked for. Today is the day that we celebrate all that Isabelle was - and all she is.

We celebrated the way I know Belle would have, with Ice cream. One of her favourite foods.

Growing a little something...

2010-02-28T20:20:00.003+11:00

We think the time is right to tell everyone that our family will this year grow by one more little soul.

September will be the month. A date around the 16th, but we often go early, so we will stick with September as a general date.

We are very excited and I am very very sick. I am finding it hard to get the basics done but I know this will pass and I will feel better. It usually takes about 16 weeks for me. So about 4 weeks left.

We know this will be our last addition, so it is going to be a bittersweet journey. We will enjoy the pregnancy and we are crossing everything that this little soul is safe and growing just as it should be.

A Journey...

2010-02-20T21:31:00.003+11:00

Child car seat rules to honour Isabelle
February 19, 2010
Ads by Google

AAP

As a lasting memorial to Isabelle Broadhead's all-too-brief life, new child restraint laws for cars in NSW will come into effect next month.

The new rules will mean children have to be strapped into special restraints until they are seven years old.

The regulations aim to reduce injuries caused by letting children use adult seatbelts too soon.

Three-year-old Isabelle died after an accident in 2006 that occurred while she was using a booster seat and an adult seatbelt in a car travelling just 40km/h near Wollongong.
Since then her parents, Danielle and Noel Broadhead, have been campaigning for better regulations to keep children safe.

The new rules that come into operation in NSW on March 1 - officially known as the Road Amendment (Isabelle Broadhead Child Restraint Measures) - were signed off by NSW Governor Marie Bashir this week.

The rules require children to be strapped into a rear-facing restraint until they are six months old, a child seat until they are four, and a booster seat until they are seven.
At present only children up to the age of one have to travel in approved baby capsules.
NSW Transport and Roads Minister David Campbell said the Broadhead's story was a sad one but what they have achieved for their daughter and for other children was something they should be proud of.

"Their effort and hard work is inspiration to us all," Mr Campbell said on Friday.
About 10 children aged under seven are killed in car crashes and about 480 are injured across the state each year, Mr Campbell says.
"National statistics are horrific with up to 80 children killed and almost 4000 injured each year," he said.

Information on the new requirements can be found on the Roads and Traffic Authority website - www.rta.nsw.gov.au.
© 2010 AAP

ho hum...

2010-02-18T20:24:00.003+11:00

I have been very slow with my posting. Each night I think I will sit down and do a post and I get very tired and it doesn't happen.

Quite a few areas of my life are a bit like this at the moment. Half done activities. Half done plans. I do plan to start doing things more 'fully'.

Things have been happening. Oliver has started saying 'Mumma'. I am very happy about this. He is now clapping and I see the first glimpses of my 'early walker to be' with cruising also including moments of letting go and standing for a second before he falls to his bottom. At only 8 months I am a bit scared by his get up and go attitude.

We have joined a play group. I wanted the boys to get an opportunity to mix with other children their ages and so far two weeks in it is going well. I am out of my comfort zone because I am shy by nature and meeting new people is not my favourite past time. I am friendly, but just quiet when I don't know people well.

Mason has been sick and Noel has just left to take him to A&E to check an ear that has started to bleed, from the inside. I get very nervous with blood and young children. I just can't put him to bed without knowing where it is coming from and knowing that it isn't going to suddenly get worse. I hope the wait is quick. I want my baby back home with me.

Maddy is settling in to Year 6 and she likes her new teacher, so I am excited to see how this year unfolds for her. It is nice to have her happy going off to school because it isn't always that way.

So it is a bit of a family update post.

We are off to do some Media for Belle tomorrow so hopefully she will wrap her wings around me and give the strength to say all the important things.

A Beauty...

2010-02-07T20:31:00.002+11:00

A family game night, taking photo's of my 'beauty full' girl. I love love this photo and all things Madeleine.

School days..

2010-02-01T21:54:00.005+11:00

Madeleine started Year 6 last week, the last year of her primary schooling. I remember her first days. I am truly in shock that we are standing on the cusp of her starting High School.

I wonder how we got here. Time has slipped by us. I am excited for her and scared that my baby girl is growing up.

She is happy with her class, happy with her teacher, and I hope this year is filled with lots of nice moments for her. I think it would be lovely for her to finish this part of her life with a lighter heart.

I have been very slack with my blogging lately. The days just seem to slip by on me and I am trying to achieve a lot with what seems like less hours.

Oliver, who has been so busy crawling and pulling himself up on our furniture, has finally learnt to sit. He doesn't stay that way for long. I suspect I have an early walker on my hands.

He had his first 'long' day at preschool today. I missed him so much, but was glad Mason was there. I missed him too.

So lots of school days ahead of us.

Yellow...

2010-01-20T22:24:00.003+11:00

Belle's favourite Colour. Yellow.

Today I've thought of how the missing will be ever present in our life. Our life cut in half. I am lost today by the yearning. I have so often said there are no words that can adequately convey the pain of losing my yellow princess.

I am angry as well, at not being granted the gift of seeing her grow. I am angry that she will be three forever in my mind. I am angry that 'moving on' is just a set of uncaring words. The loss of Isabelle is a great loss. She really was something special. I want today- the ultimate- to touch my invisible child. To give her the love that swells in my chest but can't escape. That my pain could bring her back.

I miss today, beyond what humans should have to endure.

Ready or not...

2010-01-17T10:02:00.003+11:00

Oliver started daycare this week. I have been working a little over the last few months but now I have to return two days a week. Mason and Oliver are in the same baby room and I was happy that Oliver's big brother was there. A lovely familiar face, a protective hand for him (at times anyway).

I didn't want the day to come. I didn't want to leave him there and hand his care over. But I do trust the lovely ladies at his school. They looked after Belle and know us very well. They know how much I stress and how much I need to know they are getting lots of love.

I only left him there for half a day and he looked like he loved it. He loved the bright colours and all the hustle and bustle. Because he is crawling he was able to get into all the toys and look at what everyone was doing. He is too young to miss me too much and I am glad.

Mason was very proud and when I came back he showed me where bubba was and and he I think will really enjoy having him with him.

I felt a bit sad, I think it is hard that children often have to start care so young. I would love to be in a situation where I could stay at home and be a full time Mummy. Not possible for us, but as long as they are happy wherever they all are, I can then at least go to work knowing they are having fun.

I have a few plans for the boys this year. I plan to join a play group, currently looking for one. Mason started Gymborroo late last year, so I will make sure he does some active sport of some kind because he needs it, he really loves it. I also want to try to find a good music program for them . I think Music is such a gift for small children.

Maddy has a big year of Dancing and I think doing Year 6 will be quite a fun year for her. I suspect she will want lots of socialising time.

My plans for me: Conquer the mess that is ever present in my house. I'm no Martha Stewart, my gifts are elsewhere, but I do plan to try to get some resemblance of control. I also hope to spend lots of time with my children, making their life rich and full.

So we will see how this year unfolds. I am excited and I think it is a new feeling for me. I am trying lately to live with a little more acceptance in my heart.

Oliver leaving for his first day:

The jolly jumper...

2010-01-06T22:33:00.005+11:00

It's a piece of equipment that you love to drag out when you know your baby is old enough to be strapped into it.

What at first glance looks like a bit of torture equipment is actually a device that brings smiles and even giggles. It's nice to have it up your sleeve for those, 'nothing will make him happy' moments.

I have to say my lovely husband always wants to drag it out the moment our babies can hold their heads up. I am the cautious one and I wait so long they get very little use out of it. But our Oliver is just loving it.

So for the next few weeks Oliver will be our Jolly Jumper!!!

A New Year...

2010-01-01T21:48:00.004+11:00

I have, since losing Isabelle, approached New Years in a very different way. I feel the tug of being dragged further away from my angel girl. I feel the sadness of losing her, in all its ferociousness. I wonder how I can start another year without her; how can I keep her spirit and all that was her with me?

I now ponder things that I have always feared; will I forgot more of her, will I be able to be ok?

I wonder about what the year will bring my earthly children; Happiness, Love? Will my heart be light enough to see all their accomplishments, and experience fully their joy?

Will my grief continue to evolve? It changes daily. There are still days that are as dark as the first days, there are still days where all I can do is silently scream for my Belle. There are days like today where I ask 'is it ok to just be ok?'

I do feel more moments of happiness; I never thought that would happen. And I hope that this year, spread out before me, is full of moments of happiness, that somehow my heart has space for the missing, the love and the happiness.

Isabelle would be 8 this year. That is beyond my comprehension. I can't explain still to people why even thinking that hurts so deeply, that I truly feel that my heart will implode. Another year without her. Words can't convey what that means.

Madeleine will start her last year of primary school. She will grow more and more beautiful in spirit and she will continue to try to navigate towards her teen years. I am excited to see what this year brings for her.

Mason will continue to be our Monkey, our sweet, very active toddler. He will master more language, more concepts and his play will become more involved. He will grow. He will approach three. A number that has such meaning for me.

Oliver, who can be best described as one big smile, will I hope keep his laid back nature, his sweetnees and his 'beauty full' smiles. He will learn to walk, have a first birthday (and many firsts) and hopefully enjoy the siblings he has waiting for him to start running around with them.

Happy New Year to everyone. I hope to continue this record of our journey through grief, life and love.

1000 Christmas's ago...or so it seems...

2009-12-24T22:42:00.003+11:00

We want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. We want to take a moment to remember those who can't be with their loved ones for whatever reason and we hope everyone remembers the true meaning of Christmas - Love - a day to share the love. We will have moments of sadness tomorrow, of joy and of amazement. We will miss, yearn and shed some tears.

Tomorrow we celebrate a first Christmas, we will hear Mason say 'wow' more than once and hopefully hear Maddy squeal.

Thank you to everyone who has supported us this year - and the years since my angels left this earth - and to all the wonderful souls who keep us in their thoughts. We Thank you. I am amazed that there are souls in this world that Belle has helped me find and they brighten the darkest days and lead me back when I feel I am drifting.

To Elise, you amaze me sweet lady. Today in a moment of sadness your love arrived via the post and you held my hand all day by simply being 'beauty full'. I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas.

Thank you to those who thought of us and continue to think of us.

Merry Christmas!!!

A touch of Belle - A Christmas 1000 years ago...

Christmas 2009

2009-12-20T21:43:00.002+11:00

We are getting into the spirit with some little movies for you:

Two....

2009-12-12T13:10:00.004+11:00

Mr Magoo has turned two!

We celebrated his birthday on Thursday and he has a wonderful day. It was a day where I reflected on how far he has come. He has had two major surgeries, learnt to eat, talk walk and grown into our Monkey as we fondly call him.

He found the simple love of opening presents. He kept saying more, more. Not for what was in the paper but just so he could keep opening the paper.

Oliver looked on a little excited by it all.

I love that Mason is two, that he is full of energy, life and spirit.

Happy Birthday baby (sorry for the late post my baby, mummy's computer is still broken)

Boys...

2009-11-28T20:07:00.004+11:00

I'm still learning to be the mum of two boys. I truly believed three years ago that we were unable to carry boys. But here we are, knee deep in cars, trucks and running at a pace I can barely keep up with. Apparently 'fast' is the only way to do anything.

I have been learning on the job, and I have discovered boys truly are different. Mason does things the girls never thought of. He has climbed to heights that scare me and he laughs in the face of danger! He can not multi task and the idea of playing is to try something once and move on to the next task. No need to go back and do it again. He does clean though, but I think that's an anomaly. He does things in excess, as seen here:

He does love his Mumma and he loves to go outside with his Daddy to do whatever he is doing. He is active - so, so active. He refuses to sit on the potty but seems to have some control because as soon as his feet hit that bath water he takes great delight in letting out his own little stream!

Oliver just adores him. He smiles up at him and I think oh my god, wait til Oliver is following him around and they are getting into mischief.

Now that Oliver is on the move, I am struggling to adapt to having him mobile. It just didn't seem like he should be so fast so soon.

Here they are being cheeky tonight...

Mason turns two in 12 days. Wow, I truly can't believe it! Oliver will be six months in 5 days. I just am in awe of these two boys and how much they help heal us by just 'being'.

Retail Therapy...

2009-11-21T22:30:00.004+11:00

I am typing this post on Maddy's netbook laptop; she has been kind enough to lend her currently very sad mother (whose laptop is not working) her netbook so I could do this entry.

I have finally begun some Christmas shopping. I'm usually 'a get it done in June' kind of girl but this year things haven't gone that way and it all seems a little daunting to me now. I shopped with two special ladies yesterday, who kept me on task, and I managed to get myself slightly less frazzled. So hopefully I can keep going. Having three children to buy for is a little strange.

I love everything about Christmas. My dad (a wise man) constantly tells me we don't need any more stuff! I've told Santa to bring things that have a 'one use' kind of purpose, like art projects and outside toys, so as to not fill the house with any more stuff.

Mason, who has a fascination with empty boxes, would be most happy with a new one of these. Perhaps Santa might fill a little box for him. He constantly packs boxes with all his toys in them and then pushes them around the house; he then unpacks and repacks them. I've given up sorting his toys in to neat storage containers because he simply unpacks them into his current box (they change) and he then moves them.

I love the excitement on my babies' faces, the family gatherings and the general flurry of activity that is Christmas.

I of course 'miss' at Christmas but I really do try to appreciate the 'magic', as Maddy puts it.

So one shopping trip to Miranda (a very big mall) complete, a few items purchased and some of the panic is receding. I need me a list, a very sensible 'to do' list.

The Heart Knows...

2009-11-15T06:32:00.006+11:00

Grief doesn't pass after the first anniversary, the first Birthdays or the first Christmas without the loved one. There is no magic cure. It changes over time but it never leaves.

This week for me has been the kind of week where the grief is suffocating. Where the air is thick and it's hard to breathe. Where my heart aches with such ferociousness that if it was an organ you could live without I'd ask them to take it out. Some days I've wanted to rip it out myself. The kind of week where you see nothing but darkness. Where you send out an SOS and hope someone is listening. Where you truly believe this ache is unbearable, no escape, it has both hands around your heart, it is merciless.

Experience tells me that these feelings - as intensely awful as they are - will pass, if but temporarily. I have missed Isabelle this week. Sometimes I think that a lifetime without her is more than I can bear. That this ache in my chest is so great that surely people can see it; doesn't grief get easier? On some days yes, but others, the Heart has its own memory and it knows - The missing.

I miss her so much words can't capture it for me today.

I have ached for Madeleine this week as well. I have ached as her mummy, her loss and the words she doesn't yet have for the loss of her sister.

Endless play days, simple tea parties, frolics in the garden, dress ups and all things girlie. Grief has stolen these moments.

She is worth aching for...

Blessings

2009-11-10T15:05:00.007+11:00

Oliver had his blessing on the weekend. We truly do feel blessed to have him here. I often think that the road we travel has such stark contrasts-beauty and 'the darkness'. The beauty full moments shine like beacons and I cling to them.

He was blessed at the temple near our home and I sat and marvelled at the philosophy 'we hope this blessing helps them to become good people, inside and out'. That is all I ask for my children. That is all I ask.

It seemed fitting to have a blessing at the end of last week. We felt blessed to have had such love and support on our journey and some of dearest supporters were there, some were there in spirit. We were glad we could gather and show thanks for all things Belle and all things Oliver. I was blessed in the knowledge that Madeleine, Mason and Oliver were all there, living, laughing and enjoying life.

We had a touch of Belle on the cake, Butterflies for our butterfly angel, she is never far from us and I guess as I write this post and think of Oliver's special day I see that all days have a touch of Belle in them and I do often feel sad, but on this day, I smiled for my babies. And there gifts.

Oliver's blessing: Mason sneaking icing balls off the cake:

A snuggle with Pa

Cutting the cake Maddy and my mum made..

Isabelle's Legacy

2009-11-04T20:51:00.004+11:00

New car seat rules 'to save children'
STEPHANIE GARDINER
November 4, 2009 - 4:26PM
AAP

Car crash victim Isabelle Broadhead's legacy will live on, with the introduction of new car seat regulations aimed at saving children's lives.

Isabelle Broadhead, 3, died after an accident in April 2006 that occurred while she was using a booster seat and an adult seatbelt in a car travelling just 40km/h.

Since then, her parents, Danielle and Noel Broadhead, have been campaigning for better regulations to keep children safe.

On Wednesday, the NSW government announced new safety rules - dubbed Isabelle's regulations - that mean children aged up to seven will have to be strapped into car restraints.

An emotional Mrs Broadhead thanked Isabelle and said her daughter had given her many gifts.

"And for me the greatest gift is that she lives on longer than she was actually here, that she's close to us and that she gives back ... that she will help keep children safer," Mrs Broadhead told reporters.

The couple have long been researching safe ways for children to travel and hope the new rules will be easy for parents to understand.

"Sometimes ... they just don't know that in an accident it can be catastrophic at such a low speed," she said.

"It was a minute in time and then she was gone."

The regulations, which are part of national reforms, mean children younger than six months must be placed in a rearward-facing restraint.

Those aged six months to four years must be secured in a rear or forward-facing restraint, while children between four and seven must use a forward-facing restraint or a booster seat.

Until now it has only been compulsory for children up to the age of one to travel in baby capsules or seats that contain their own restraints.

NSW Premier Nathan Rees said the changes were about saving children's lives.

"We can always do more to reduce the road toll, to reduce the tragedy and the impact on loved ones that comes from those deaths on the roads," Mr Rees said.

The new rules come into effect on March 1 and there will be a four-month amnesty on enforcement so parents can get used to the changes.

Information about restraints can be found on the Roads and Traffic Authority (RTA) website.

Mr Broadhead hopes parents won't be reluctant to buy a new seat because of the cost.

"We would give any amount of money to get our daughter back and we're sure if they had even an inkling of what it's like to lose your child, they wouldn't think twice about spending the money to buy one of those seats," he said.

From http://news.smh.com.au/breaking-news-national/new-car-seat-rules-to-save-children-20091104-hwm2.html

I spoke...

2009-10-30T22:02:00.004+11:00

Yesterday I spoke at a conference. I told a room full of strangers all about my baby girl and all about why restraining children safely in cars is one of the greatest gifts you can give them. Every time a child graduates to the next level of restraint they are less safe.

I cried, I yearned and I hoped that my message was heard. I miss her so much and If I can do one thing for Belle now, it is to honour her and I promise her I will forever and always.

Here is what I said:

My name is Danielle and I belong to a club I never wanted to be admitted to. I am the mother of an angel. I am a member of the club of mothers who’ve had their children taken long before they were ready to give them up.

This is Isabelle, or Belle, as she was also known. She loved Ponies, dancing, Dora the Explorer, and Care Bears. She loved her family. I couldn’t leave the house without her. She was my buddy. She could write her own name. She also told the most wonderful stories. She was three years and nine months when she died in April 2006. We were devastated. Our whole world imploded.

The one thing my angel could do without fail was steal a chunk of your heart. She just had that gift. She continues to do that even in death. She has changed the world and her life has been bigger then her short time here.

She died because of outdated child restraint laws.

Isabelle died two minutes from home. She died in a car travelling about 40km an hour. She was the only one in our car who was hurt significantly. Everyone else walked away.

Isabelle died from a seat belt injury. She was sitting in a booster seat, using an adult belt. She was tall for her age and only a few months earlier we had realised she would need to come out of her 0-4 baby seat. If only we’d known. Her liver was crushed by her belt because children under five have soft, flexible bones and their organs have not yet completely descended into the abdomen. Some organs, like the liver, are still located under the rib cage. When we came to a sudden stop Isabelle was thrust forward. The belt sitting across her chest and abdomen tightened and as she folded over it because of the weight of her head, it crushed everything between her ribs and her backbone. That is the reality of adult seatbelts and young children; they aren’t designed to protect the very young. Nothing within the car impacted on Isabelle. Except her belt.

Why was she in a booster? Because we knew no better. Because the standards, the RTA brochures and our general knowledge told us that this was Isabelle’s next move. I’d never heard of any dangers.

Accidents happen. As her parents we felt we did what was safest for her. When she died and we learnt that it wasn’t something in the car or the something beyond our control that took her, we realised that something was very wrong, when children were dying from something that was, in many instances, preventable.

Booster seats save lives when they’re used for children who simply need a boost for good fit of an adult belt. Isabelle’s seven year old sister was sitting in one on that day and she walked away, because that is what they are meant to do. Using one saved her life and using one for Isabelle took hers.

The anger came, as did the cold fact that if Belle had been in her 0-4 seat she would almost certainly still be here, and I began to ask the hard questions of myself and others. Where were the ad’s on TV? Where were the print campaigns? Why did the US have laws already? Why did they have seats that had inbuilt harnesses that would fit a seven year old? Why does the standard say you can place a 14kg child in a booster with an adult belt when Belle died weighing 2okg? why was there no warning on her booster? Why, why, why?… Why didn’t I get an informed choice? Why was there research in Australia about this and parents didn’t know? Why do children still sit in cars with no boosters?

I made a YouTube video for Isabelle, to help other parents know that it was as simple as putting young children back in 0-4 seats. Here is some of that…

I had contact from mothers who had lost children in similar ways. Again, I asked why is this happening? Why did Isabelle have to die when this knowledge was out there years before we lost her? The seat manufactures got a letter from me. Standards Australia got one, and then we hit the media. The government was letting every Australian child down. They were relying on uniformed parents to make a decision every time they put their child into a car that could cost them their child’s life.

We attacked the government with vigour, relentless emails, phone calls... In Belle’s name we have fought. For every parent who, like us, didn’t know, we have fought.
At the start, like most people, we didn’t know much about how things worked. We didn’t know about the National Transport Commission, where all the state Roads Ministers agree on national laws for Australian roads. And we didn’t know how Standards Australia created the standards for things such as child car restraints. It was very confusing, and if it wasn’t for the guidance of people like Lynne Bilston, who’s speaking after me, I’m not sure we would made much sense of it all.

What we generally found was that when we tried to talk to an organization we’d be treated with a kind of politeness reserved for grieving parents, but then we wouldn’t get much further without pushing harder and harder. With the exception of the Illawarra Mercury, the mainstream media wasn’t particularly interested. I’m sure we’re not alone in feeling the frustration of knowing the solution to a serious problem that no-one seems interested in fixing.
We have seen Victoria, Queensland and Western Australia announce the new laws for children travelling in cars. Children will be safer when they come in over the next 12 months and I know Isabelle has helped make this happen.

This gladdens our hearts, because it means that children in those states will be safer soon. In fact, the new laws come into effect in Victoria in a little over a week from today. But we’re from New South Wales, and we feel it’s an embarrassment to our state government that they’ve been unable to show any interest in providing a safer environment for our children. Two Roads Ministers came and went, with next to nothing gained. Now we have our own David Campbell, who we hope will live up to his word to get this incredibly important legislation through the parliament.

Belle’s gifts have been many. She has saved lives, she has helped many parents realise one of the riskiest things they do every day with their children is strap them into a car. She truly is an angel.

Camporama photo's

2009-10-25T20:26:00.004+11:00

Maddy went Ice Skating...

The free spirit...

The Cold....

The Communal Bathroom...Mason actually loved it

The Beach...

Our quarters....

Camporama

2009-10-18T21:30:00.004+11:00

I have so many stories I could tell you from camping. But I am mostly just grateful to be home in one piece with all my children in one piece. I will tell you over the coming weeks what it is like to camp with a wild toddler and a very young baby and a pretty tween who spent the better part of the week practising her own 'mother-to-be-one-day' cry of "Noooooo!".

The toddler loved the freedom. The Mumma did not.

I can honestly tell you that despite over the last few years feeling a gammot of emotions, the tension I felt over the week in the tent has been like none I have ever known. Separate from grief, this was sheer terror that Mason might escape both mine and Maddy's ever watchful gazes and be struck down by a car or a fast moving bike, or slip away to the beach and out of my life.

He threw many a tantrum at being chased down; he perfected the 'flop and drop' and he thought that 'stop' was simply something that I stated just to hear my own voice.

He got messy, Maddy had fun with friends who had a caravan in the same park and Oliver just continued to be his no-fuss-take-it any-way-it-comes kind of boy.

The weather was unkind. The rain threatened to flood us out, the wind nearly lifted the tent with us in it and all, and the sun played peekaboo all week.

Memories; yes there were plenty. Nice moments were lovely and I will cling to those. Would I do it again, hmmmm, the memories are a little raw to ponder that.

Lots of photos to come but here are a couple....

(Great Nanna meets Oliver)

Belle's angel dust....

2009-10-10T21:55:00.002+11:00

Posted to Isabelle's Youtube video:

"watching your video undoubtedly saved my son, Archers life in a high impact car collision we were recently involved in. after watching this, i switched to seat with a five point harness, having previously used a seat that utilized a shoulder belt. i am so sorry for your loss, and so grateful to you for bringing this subject to light. everyone with children would benefit from learning about Belle. rest in peace little one, even in death you continue to make a positive difference! "

I sit tonight having just returned home from 'the camping trip' and saw this in my inbox and pondered- in giving up her life Belle has indeed saved others. I love you to Pluto and back Bellaboo, forever and always xxxx.

Preparations....

2009-09-30T08:11:00.002+10:00

In my mind anyway. Preparations for camping have begun. I am a little anxious. I'm usually a cabin with a nice bathroom and kitchen kind of holiday goer. I know the kids will have a ball getting messy and living wild for a week; I will I think enjoy the simplicity of it. No technology going with me I have decided.

I keep running this mental list through my head of everything I need, but I know I just need to start packing. I'm planning a camping shop tomorrow, that should be fun.

I will take lots of pictures, so I should have a few blog entries with our holiday stories.

Mason has taken to my blog. He constantly asks for "mess" which means ' show me my handy work at painting our lounge room with Margarine'. Bit scary, hope he isn't planning his next big attack on our house.

*********************************************************

I have actually been writing this blog entry all week, but life keeps getting in the way of my writing. I now have an actual list and pile of stuff that some how has to be sorted and packed. I am no where near ready. I am actually looking forward to it. There was a time I truly believed I'd never feel happy ever again but I actually today feel the co existence of grief and happiness. I feel the hole in my heart, ever present, but I feel happiness as well. The holiday park we are camping at was one I took my Belle to and I know I'll see her everywhere but nowhere, I hope this year though seeing my boys having fun and my big girl relaxing will allow me to have some 'happy' moments.

Throw open the doors..and the Windows....

2009-09-19T05:07:00.005+10:00

We are out of quarantine, the weather is warming and I think it is time for a spring clean. We have created a certain state of disarray with some moving around of rooms. My goal for spring is to claw back some order. I really don't want to head into Christmas with piles of boxes and mess all around me.

We are almost illness free. Mason had another bout of tonsillitis on the weekend but is on the improve. Maddy is happy to be back at school and her pox are healing.

Oliver has remained well. I am so glad I have been able to feed him through all this, I'm sure it helps. He has started holding things this week and started putting those hands into his mouth. He looks like he is thinking about rolling over as well. It all just happens so fast.

I must be getting old because I just can't believe it is almost October. I look back and the year has just flown by so quickly. I was out shopping on Saturday and saw Christmas things in the shops. Sent cold shivers down my spine. How could it be that time again?

I have such a busy couple of weeks ahead of me, we (me and the children) are going on a little camping holiday, not sure I was fully sane when I booked that. Maddy has her end of year dance concert (no where near the end of the year) and I have to start thinking seriously about some sort of organisation.

So today, I have thrown open the windows and doors and am letting the sickness out and a fresh dose of hope in.

Quarantine...

2009-09-14T21:09:00.003+10:00

We have been in quarantine for a week now. Poor Maddy has been very sick. She only has a couple of pox that are still infectious. The first photo shows how awful she felt in those first days. The second has a little more of the old Maddy in it. She still looks sad though. I have felt so sorry for her this week.

She has been very brave though and hardly complained at all. I am one proud Mumma. I just wish I could have taken it away for her.

She says to me before she goes to sleep each night 'Mummy tell me something nice to think about'. I oblige, but inside I feel my heart break a little each time. I wish I could take all her sadness away.
She has a day or two left at home and then she should be able to go back to school.

Today, new camera in hand, I took photo's of Mr Oliver. Just looking cute in the spring weather.

Lastly, Mason and the hat I am forever telling him to put back on his head. He loves the backyard, so quarantine for him means lots of outside play. I have another week before I'll know if the boys are clear from the pox. Everything crossed. Mason is off to the paediatrician tomorrow, I'm hoping for a clean bill of health for him. He is looking super cute.

Order me a moment....

2009-09-08T20:51:00.003+10:00

Maddy has chicken pox. She is sad, sick and feeling just plain miserable. I read that after 10 it is rarer for children to get the pox. We unfortunately did. She is being brave but tells me she feels very irritated.

It's days like this I wish I could order her a dose of this....

Times like this I know she could do with her sister. Times like this when my heart hurts for her it hurts for all the things Madeleine has lost.

I wish her a speedy recovery, dreams of sweet Belle and I hope our house will be free of illness one day soon.

Mess....

2009-09-04T22:47:00.003+10:00

The evidence....

The guilty person....Mason!!!! This was a crime committed in the early hours of the morning. Dad 'resting his eyes', Mason casually stalking around the crime scene simply stating 'Mess'. Now I am all for encouraging a child's natural interest in art, but really did it have to be the MARGARINE!!!!!! Mason has started saying 'oh MASON' with a grunt at the end. I think maybe he might be hearing that quite a lot lately. A lock has now been put on the fridge. We may need to Mason proof our house which will be an extreme version for child proofing, very extreme.

The Birthday Season Continues...

2009-08-28T22:42:00.002+10:00

My big girl turned 11 today. How can that be. How does 11 years really go by and how does one 11 year old teach me so much about me and about being a Mummy. She is a survivor. She has as you know witnessed death, loss and all things ugly. She has seen beauty and been in the presence of beauty. Her smile lights up my world and the world is better because she is in it.

She teaches me to never waste a day, to cherish those that we love and when I stare into her big blue eyes I know that she will always lead me to wonderful things. I love her endlessly.

I remember the moment she was born, what a wonderful day it was.

She is our resident comic. She'll do you a dance to highlight all sides of life and it will be fitting.

I love you Maddy Moo. Happy Happy Birthday xxxx

Sleep...

2009-08-19T20:51:00.005+10:00

Oliver this week has gone from cradle to cot. It seems so big for him. I love to watch him sleep. I wonder what he dreams? Sweet things I pray....

All the trimmings....

2009-08-13T19:39:00.003+10:00

I've been trying to get haircuts for a few weeks now for Maddy and Mason. Between illness, sheer exhaustion and toddler refusal, it has just been a mountain I haven't been able to climb. But today saw Mason have his trim and Maddy managed to squeeze one in on Monday. Mason cried through his and kept uttering things like 'car' (meaning, 'please mum make her stop and take me home'), 'up up' (Meaning pick me up and take me away from the woman wielding sharp scissors near my head', Screams (meaning 'why aren't you listening to MEEEE') and Please (meaning 'please please make it stop'). After some time, they managed to hack off some hair. It looks like it has been hacked off. Maddy, of course looks very grown up and beautiful. Funny, she didn't scream and beg me to take her home.

Mason has been findings things a bit tough and scary lately. I think the more children explore the world the scarier they find it for a little while. Sleep has been something he finds difficult to attain. He moved into our bed for a few nights but everyone suffered from sleep deprivation, so we have had to be a bit tougher and encourage him to stay in his bed. It is hard. I have memories of Isabelle's last night and they are stark in my mind. I promised myself that I would always treat each night with my children as if it could be their last. So it is such a battle to help him learn to sleep independently and wanting to make sure he is happy, content and loved.

So it was needles for Mason today, immunisations are now up to date (two months late) and his haircut. I think he may feel the need to inflict his own kind of punishment on us tonight.

Lastly, Oliver is in danger of starting solids early, as Mason keeps trying to feed him all sorts of delights, he thinks it is all pretty funny...

Some pretty...

2009-08-07T13:15:00.003+10:00

Playing with my new camera, lovely subjects. Soo much to learn. There are so many buttons.

Noel is constructing a trampoline tomorrow, early Birthday present for my big girl. That post to come. Might let Noel do that one. Should make for endless hours of jumping for all our children, maybe not Oliver quite yet though.

Birthday Season

2009-08-05T07:11:00.009+10:00

We are in a bit of a Birthday season amongst family and friends here at the moment. I had mine on Monday and my lovely husband and children bought me a present I think is very cool. A new camera.

As most would know I love to write but I also love to take photos. I had an SLR when Belle was small but the motor went in it and I've been using Noel's camera ever since. My header of Isabelle and Madeleine was taken on that camera, it was a great camera.

Now I have my own DSLR... I've been snapping oodles of pictures...

Silent Screaming....

2009-07-29T20:33:00.003+10:00

I open a cupboard...your strawberry shortcake cup is in there...

I sit in the lounge room...you stare back at me....

I look in a box....your life is in there.....

I get a towel out for your brother...yours is still there....

I kiss Madeleine good night and see your blankie.....

I brush my teeth and your tooth paste is tucked in the back of the cupboard....

I go to sleep...your pillow is above my head....

I think of you and my throat hurts from my silent scream....

You're everywhere but no where...

Wonders...

2009-07-23T14:29:00.000+10:00

Oliver is just beginning to smile. I can't wait to snap one on the camera. He is also just starting to 'see' things. Last night he turned his head when I walked past him. So exciting, such a wonder. It all happens so quickly. Half of me wants him to stay little forever and my other half wants to watch with the same wonder and amazement I had for Madeleine when she learnt to do her firsts.

He slept the longest he ever has in his bassinet last night. I kept waking and listen to him breathing, just to reassure myself. We still had our bed visitors. Mason squealed/yelled/howled for a good chunk of the night, but I was still happy to see Oliver getting a little more settled.

The weather has been a little warmer and yesterday I braved joining some friends for a picnic. Once I was there I was so glad to be out of the house and in good company. The sun was shining and all the kids had a great time. Mason was so exhausted after our play that he fell asleep in his car seat while I was putting the pram in the boot. I hadn't even driven away. Before leaving the house I was cursing myself for saying I would go, because both boys were crying and Mason pooed right as I was about to load up the car and it took (no joke) two hours to get myself organised and out the door. I really am learning as I go.

I appreciate now the nearly 4 years I had between Isabelle and Madeleine. It made an unbelievable difference. In the seven weeks since Oliver arrived Mason hasn't been to daycare for more then a couple of days. He has been constantly unwell. He only goes to school two days a week; I thought if I gave up his days I wouldn't be able to get him back into care when I went back to work. I also thought it would be nice to have a couple of days with Oliver by himself. Just hasn't happened. I wouldn't mind if he was well. But he is sick and I just want to see him happy.

He also had his front tooth removed under a general anaesthetic last week because it had abscessed and psychologically he has not been the same. He is struggling all over again. Screaming at night. Crying when strangers come near him. Generally just being anxious and unpredictable. He woke up from the surgery screaming. It was just awful to watch, knowing how much he has already endured and how much he still will.

Noel and I look at each other and we just know how unfair it is, and how little we can accurately stress how challenging it is to lose a child and then watch one suffer. The pain seems to engulf us. As does the fear that he won't wake up. Times like that you want your good friends holding your hands and just knowing you need them.

He now has tonsillitis, so he isn't himself.

So stay tuned for Oliver's first smiling pic and some sunshine for Mason: I ordered it.

How loud....

2009-07-13T21:48:00.002+10:00

Mason has decided this week that squealing is a sport. He does it just to see me cringe. It is ear piercing. Like finger nails down a chalk board for me. Why does he do it? I really think it has become a sport for him. The goal- get mummy to go from 'please darling don't squeal' to Mummy frowning, covering her ears and Mummy running from room to room trying to find some peace. He then cutely and quietly finds me within our house and simply says 'hello'. The angel Mason is back. Temporarily.

We have been slowly finding our feet again after doing another of Belle's birthday without her. It amazes me how you can try to mentally prepare but when it comes to actually doing it, it's very different. Thank you for all your thoughts and wishes. Makes those dark days much more bearable.

Oliver is six weeks tomorrow and I just can't believe it. Mason has begun to take ownership of him. It is 'My Bubba' he says. When Oliver cries he now says 'Sad'. I say yes, yes he is. He thinks he is a bit of alright I think.

Madeleine has caught Mason's cold and cough, so she is spending the first bit of her school holidays in bed, feeling yuck. Not fair.

The six weeks of tiredness is starting to catch up with me. I am hoping those 4 hour feeds start to stretch out a little at night and I am hoping I can find Mason's volume button, I am sure it is there somewhere.

An Angel Birthday...

2009-07-07T00:00:00.001+10:00

Happy Happy Birthday sweet girl.

If only I could say these words and see her excited face at the prospect of having a birthday and being spoilt. This day is all about 'what if's' or 'what we would do'. We would have cake, presents, excited squeals. We would have kisses, cuddles and a day all about Belle. What if she was still here, what would she look like, what would she secretly wish for?

Instead it is a mix of missing, of celebration of her existence and all the children she has helped, of aching to the core for some tangible piece of her. It is about honouring her birth, her short life and about what made her our Belle. It is the sharp focus of all we push aside. Her passing and her specialness.

You can't skip these days like I asked Noel if we could. I know that these days should be a celebration of all things Belle. I can't help but want it to be the way it should be.

I yearn for Isabelle. Wishing her a 'beauty full' 7th Birthday xxxx

Not here just Somewhere else...

2009-07-01T01:16:00.004+10:00

Noel and I said to each other a day ago how we still don't believe it. We struggle still to accept that Isabelle is gone. We said that we expect her to just appear and when we remember 'fully' that she won't, the pain is still suffocating. We feel like we are drowning.

Isabelle has a birthday coming next week. I sit here at 1 30am and wonder why we have to endure these days. Why my daughter is not here. Why is she frozen in time and why I survive in a constant state of trying to be OK. I told Noel that I so often try to fool myself that she is simply somewhere else.

I can't fathom doing endless birthdays. The days are the starkest reminders of what she should be. She should be 7 this year. She should be so many things. Time keeps pushing on. It keeps moving me away from her and it keeps her frozen. Never quite reaching 4. Forever my little girl.

I smile, I wear my mask. I make it easy for everyone, but the pain of all my loss is beyond my human comprehension. All I am left with is the torture of my missing.

Learning....

2009-06-26T20:07:00.005+10:00

I am in awe of just how pretty this boy is. I find myself staring into his face and just welling up with love for him.

It really is a challenge though, having two babies. I know Mason is becoming my big boy but 18 months is still little. He is still in nappies, still has bottles and still looks at me blankly when I say stop or stand still (which is very frustrating). He still wakes several times a night. He still wants to snuggle in my lap even when I am breastfeeding (yes it really doesn't work) and he still needs oodles of attention.

I have found myself a few times this week thinking 'how on earth do I manage this situation?' I have also thought how delightfully complicated our life is and how when Isabelle left us that we craved more complication.

Mason has been unwell; he has a really awful cough and now temps. He was tested for whooping cough and we won't know til next week, but we are pretty sure it isn't that. Whooping cough is very prevalent in our area at the moment. Three of our friends have had children who have had it, even though they were immunised. Mason coughs a lot more at night, so there is very little sleep going on in our house. Noel had to stay home from work on Friday because I just had nothing left.

We are back to the doctor today because he just isn't improving. He screamed his way through last night with a lot of coughing.

We are definitely learning as we go.

An Angel Day

2009-06-21T20:48:00.007+10:00

Today marks three years since Isaiah was born sleeping and left us so he could be with Isabelle. Now that I have two little boys tucked up in bed who are healthy and growing strong every day, I can't help thinking 'who would Isaiah have looked like? What would he be like in personality?' I have managed to find moments today to dedicate some thoughts and send love Isaiah's way. He would be three.

Noel and I never allowed ourselves to grieve Isaiah; he left us so soon after Belle that we couldn't. I think had we allowed ourselves to really grieve him we may have lost our minds. I miss who he should be today. I wasn't blessed enough to know him in the same way I know our other babies.

There are days like this where I feel we have been cheated so badly. That life is darker than it should be and that our pain is greater than we can articulate. We stopped today; we remembered him, our loss and our gratefulness to him for pulling us through those first days after we lost our angel Belle. He provided hope when we thought things were hopeless.

We went and rang the 'Gratitude Bell' and we all ate cake for the Boy who is not forgotten by us.

I feel my loss amongst all I have today and I know that feeling sad is very appropriate, so tonight I am just going to kiss my earth angels, and miss my heavenly ones.

A moment today....
The Bell... A Cake for Isaiah...

Slow down...

2009-06-20T14:24:00.007+10:00

This week I have become more aware that 'time' is something of an enemy. I have reached an age where time truly has sped up on me.

This week Madeleine got a hair cut that I absolutely adore, but made her look even more mature. She is on the cusp of adolescence and it terrifies me. She is hormonal, temperamental and yet still lovely all at once. She finds it difficult most days, I think, to manage those hormones flowing through her veins. It will be interesting to see how she navigates these new waters.

This week Mason has been talking more, showing me that he is understanding me more when I speak to him. He is growing, looking older and I have thought 'how does this happen'? A newborn one moment and little boy the next.

He has had a hard week. He injured his mouth in a fall last week and after several dental appointments, one in Sydney, we found out he is going to have to lose one of his top front teeth. He has damaged it so much they think it would be best taken out. I am scared and sad that at 18 months he is going to have to endure a yucky dental procedure and at the end of it he will be missing one of his main teeth. Poor little man.

His legs only have one speed. He runs everywhere. There is no walking involved and his head is too heavy for his body, so he falls over often. I hope by the time he turns five he still has some baby teeth left.

My Oliver is still sleeping and being very relaxed. His cry is not heard often and he is already growing. This is where I really get angry at time for slipping by so quickly. They grow so fast, the days just disappear on me and he is now two and a half weeks old. I want him to stay little for a bit longer.

I am excited about getting to know him but when I look at Madeleine and see how quickly time has whisked that baby away from me and replaced her with a young lady, I know it won't be long before the boys are giving me cheek; I sit and wonder where the time has gone.