I meant to blog this...

Christmas, I know it has come and gone.  I had meant to do a pretty little post but we were away.  We spent Christmas away in Melbourne and we loved it.  If I could afford to do it every year I would.  But that is a little ambitious even for me.

We had such a relaxed day and my children just did as they pleased and I really appreciated that.  I loved that Tilda was getting in to it a little.  Very excited by the little tacky tree I picked up at the supermarket (it played music, lit up and it turned around) very exciting to her.

The boys received a train set that could conveniently be fitted together and they spent hours and hours playing with it.  It was just lovely.

After feeling a bit down this week, thinking back now over the fun we had reminds me of all we have.

'Beauty full'.

King Isaiah...

Today my first born son should have started school. I saw pictures of fresh faced, excited children heading off into the great unknown of school. He should have been one of them.

I know in my heart of hearts that if Isaiah had lived to five, and been able to go off to school, it would have been a school for children with special needs.  The day would not have been quite like what I would have wanted for him.  But I would have snapped pics, and felt pride, and missed his presence around the house.

I imagined all that should be.  Felt sad that it wasn't and wondered why we had to walk this road.

My grief for Belle smothers my grief for Isaiah, but I know he is the King of Kings for saving my soul after we lost Belle, and for going to her so soon after she left.  He is my first born son, and I won't let this day pass without a note for him.

Much loves...

Brave...

Madeleine has been doing Martial Arts for a year now.  Last Friday, Green belt was achieved.  Very happy that as she grows I will be confident that she will be able to protect herself.  I obviously have a lot of fears around my children's safety.  I am relieved that she is learning a skill that will help her throughout her life.

I hope she continues. I am proud and glad she is mine.

She starts a new year of High school tomorrow.  I hope it is a good year for her.  Full of lots of good memories.  The teen years are new to me.  Quite stressful at times but I know she is actually a very lovely girl.  So lets see what this year holds for her.

Strange how it is....

I think it is strange how grief catches me.  A glimpse of Matilda that looks strangely familiar.  Those last seconds before I drift of to sleep.  A place that sucks me back.  A moment where the space is so obvious.  An ache deep in my core that never soothes.  Strange that I have found a new norm where it all co-exists.  Like this is how it was meant to be.  Only it isn't.  I sat a moment today and felt the full wrath of my anger that this isn't how it should be and that I still struggle to keep swimming.  A moment when I felt that it shouldn't have been us.

The missing never cures itself.  I see myself as an older lady sometimes still missing my daughter.
Another year has begun.  I guess in the newness I am reminded I drift further away.  I hate that and yet I know it is as it should be.  Just wish it wasn't so.

Madeleine has been responsible for some of our best photo's.  I think she has a very good eye and is very skilled at being able to capture our little ones at just the right moment.

Well done Madeleine.  Well done Oliver for staying still for two seconds, which I can say is a rare sight in itself.

An afternoon in the backyard, summer sun and take-away.  It was lovely and I didn't want it to pass without stopping and enjoying it.  Mason is running somewhere in the yard just out of shot.  Part of my commitment to blogging and taking a moment.

A year ahead...

I am reflecting on the year that was and the year ahead.  I don't make New Years Eve resolutions generally, but I do think about what is ahead and what I hope to achieve.

I really want to blog more.  Over the months as we headed towards Christmas life got very hectic and blogging got left behind.  I plan, hope to capture more of my families life this coming year.  My record for them of a snap shot of their childhood.

I hope to get my house in to some resemblance of organised.  I hope to get some renovation done.  We have plans to add a deck.  Now to save the money and then see it materialise.  It will make a nice addition to our home.

I'm hoping for my children to stay healthy.  I don't ever want to do a winter like last year.  They were sick non stop for months.  Taking it in turns.  So much sleep deprivation.  This year coming good health is a must.

More fun.  I want more fun for my children.  Life with three under three has been tough.  Good days were treasured.  Now that Mason is 4 and maturing I am hoping that we can find a little more time for laughing.


I am looking forward to the year ahead and that says a lot in itself.  Happiness is something I now aspire to.  I am going to work hard to simply be in the moment, enjoy a smile and let go of anything negative.

Matilda looking a lot like her angel sister.

My Boy turns 4...

I have held my breath since Mason was born.  Never dared to believe that one day this day would come.  A 4 year old in our house.  So desperate was I when Belle passed away to believe that it wasn't true. That she would come back. Turn 4 and we would live happily ever after.

But no.  Reality is far from such Hollywood endings.  I miss, yearn and ride the roller coaster of my grief.

But Today we did something we only dreamed of.  We did 4.  A birthday.  Presents, cake, squeals of delight, joy.  All that should have been were rolled into today.

I am amazed at how far Mason has come.  From the first moments of his birth, first brief cuddles and then whisked away to the special care nursery.  He has is spunky and fun and he has a wicked temper.  He laughs, cries and lets me know how he feels about everything.  He talks non-stop.  He loves technology, he loves cuddles and he melts my heart.

I Love that he mine, that he chose me and that he is 4.

So much to tell...

There is so much I would love to Blog about.  Here is some of it...

Belle's trees are out.  I'm loving them more than ever this year....I love that she has left me something so tangible to hang on to.  I love that I can hear her voice.  Floaty and squealy all at the same time.  That trips this time of year brought her such delight.

News from our house...Tilda is walking!!! 14 months and she is a toddler.  She is so cute on her feet.  I'd post a photo but my camera is not behaving. Keeps telling me my card is corrupted.  Very sad. Means I haven't figured out how to get the pictures off it!

Work is looking up next year.  I am taking on a new adventure.  Flying solo.  I resigned from my government job.  Split in a technical sense from my partnership and now will be completely on my own.  Running my own office for just me.  I'm excited.  I'm scared but excited.  It means I answer only to me for the first time in my career and my business will be whatever I make it.  Very interesting year ahead methinks.

The boys are so cute.  They run me absolutely round in circles.  Some days I think I might just go mad and then the next day I marvel how things have become a new kind of lovely.  They teach me so many new things each and every day.  Oliver and Mason are now completely out of nappies.  I cannot believe how easy Oliver was to do.  He did it himself really.  One week, it took. At 26 months he was even dry by night.  Amazing boy.  Mason, not wanting to be out done by his brother, quickly ditched the night nappies and I am very happy. On the other hand, I've never had to deal with potty poopy before because the others had all been older when they trained.  Not my favourite motherly job I can tell you, but beats nappies.

Maddy is very busy.  She has her end of year dance concert in a couple of weeks and she is busy with lots of practices.  She has just finished exams and she is still loving school.  Her social life seems to have a nice balance to it.  I'm really very proud of her.

I'm still very tired.  Sleeping through has still not occurred.  But every night I hope it is the one.

So with Christmas fast approaching I think things may just get a little busier.  But I like busy so that's Ok with me.

Hopefully we will talk again soon x

Holidays...

School holidays are here and I love the break from routine.  I love that Madeleine can sleep late.  Enjoy the weather that is starting to warm up and hang out with friends.  I am looking forward to Summer.  I love that Tilda generally accepts that sand is to play with not to eat and that she is very very close to walking so by Christmas I can see her toddling all over our house.

I feel like after 13 months the beauty of my family of four children is being fully appreciated by myself.  Some days are still harsh and overwhelming but the routine that has fallen upon us, the very routine I am glad to have a little break from creates a structure that seems to work well for us.  I love that they are all becoming their own little people.  Very different people I might add.  A lot of personalities are co-existing in this small space.  But the chaos is something we craved.  I am now enjoying the chaos.  It was a bit of a culture shock.

I am striving to meet everyone's needs and I hope I am getting somewhere close to achieving it.

Bowling on the agenda today for the bigger kids and Daddy.  Shopping for me and the little ones.  Win Win I say.

A sunny day a few weeks ago.

Sometimes the best mind tricks in the world can't help me escape the true depth of sadness and pain I feel over losing you. There are days where the pain in my heart is suffocating.  Where words can't begin to capture what needs to be said.  That the tears won't even flow because I am terrified that in allowing them to come, only forces me to see the truth.  That you aren't coming back.  That there is no light at the end of this tunnel, that you're not just somewhere else.  That today like tomorrow contains heartache and sadness.  I want to reach in to this photo.  Touch your milky white skin, sing hello in your ear and scoop you up and never let you go.  Day after day I talk to people about loss.  I work with people on moving through it, in their own way.  I carry the truth silently, that for me I am drowning in my loss.  That for me you are everywhere but nowhere and I can't get back to you. There is no peace, how could there be.  You're not in my arms where you should be and I can't explain how horrific that is.

It's your birthday Today...

A Year ago.......

My Big girl....

How do you be 1 already?  How can your first year be over.  I'm not ready for you to grow up and yet I am desperate for you to grow up.  The constant tug on my heart of keeping you little, my baby and the knowledge of the natural order and letting be what needs to be.  You growing.  To become a little person.  independent, feisty.

You are very close to walking.  You babble a cute little talk.  You love to eat and will try anything.  You've worked out how to protect yourself already.  You look so much like Belle and in a lot of ways act so different from her.  You love to smooch and snuggle.  You have a temper.  You don't much care of animals of the stuffed type.  Oliver's Robot spider scares you silly.  You don't sleep much, hence this 2am post.   You love company.  You like to get into mischief and are happy to go off and find it. You have a signature hair clip, I love how cute you make them look. You want whatever your brothers have, even if you shouldn't have it.  You are growing up and I do love that even if it indeed scares me.

I love you Miss Tilda and all that is you xxx

13...beautiful 13....

She is Lovely

  

In every sense of the word...

She is a sister....

She has grown so quickly.  I cannot believe that today marks Thirteen years.  I'm not ready to be a mother of a teen.

It was only yesterday she was little like this....

I'm so very proud of her.  She gets up every day, like we do.  She carries her sadness, she hides her scars.  She has loved and lost.  She is the only other person on this earth that walked the most horrendous walk with me from start to finish.  I owe her the world.  She has always held my heart in hers and we have always had a closeness that I adore.  I love who she is and all that she could be.  I love the sister you are.  Your smile.  The way your quick to figure things out.  I love that you love to sleep, that you are happy at school for the first time in your whole school life.  I love that you do martial arts and will know how to kick butt.  I love that even though your scared sometimes you still do things.  I love that you are strong and have a soft spot for those you love.  I really love you.

Happy Birthday My Earth Angel.  I love you.

My Blessing...

  

Really is hard for me to believe that Matilda is nearly a year old.  We had her blessed at the Temple recently. Such a beautiful day.  Filled with friends and family.  It marked the completion of our family.  We are all here now.  It is time now to grow, to develop our own identity.  To grow these souls.  I feel blessed to have them all in my life.  Sometimes the days are long and hard.  Sometimes I get pushed beyond my limit but each day I try to reflect on how I might do things a little better.  I want to be a good Mummy to these babies.  I want to be a good mummy to my very soon to be teenage daughter.  It was a day to celebrate all that is and all that might be.  The Blessing is important to us.  Helps us heal a little.  To stop and take a moment and be thankful.

In two weeks this baby that I adore will be one.  She sparkles.  She smiles at everyone.  Lulls you into a false sense of 'you can pick me up if you like'.  If you do though she screams...She is spunky.  She points.  her newest trick.  I say she is indicating that she is number one!  She crawls.  She pulls herself on the furniture as of this week and I think walking isn't too far off.  She looks very much like Belle.  She has a lot of her features.  I feel mixed about that.  But she has her own personality.  Different to Belle.  That is a good thing.  She loves to feed from me.  The longest breastfed baby we have had.  She refuses so far to give it up.  She isn't our best sleeper, probably not our worst.  She loves TV.  She is one of ours.  She is alert and interested in the world.  She can play on my phone.  Freaky.  Perhaps where the point came from.

I do love you Tilda.  All the way round the world.  A trillion times over.